Tag Archive: Links


[untitled] week…

WARNING… this post will be different than the rest… mainly because I will use strong language to make my point a bit clear… so I’m sorry if I offend anyone, which isn’t my intention…

This week was amazingly awesome at first and then it turned to SHIT!!!

To start off, I decided to do my cubbing out on Thursday… and so I went out from Monday through Wednesday to buy the supplies… you know, stuff for that Thursday night, which was nothing but a baby bottle with a scrub for cleaning it, a pacifier with clip, wipes, powder, and lastly the diapers. It was kinda fun looking at all that stuff…
The main reason was because I felt that my infantilist side was kinda dying or something… more on that here… but once that Thursday night came, I felt SOOOO wonderful doing that!!! It was the best feeling ever!!! I loved it very much, and my feelings came back to me!! So yeah, it was a very fun weekend because I not only was that Thursday nght, but even Friday and all the way to Sunday… it was epicly fun… and especially when I was with my cousin. She knows about it, and I’m glad she thinks it’s cute.

And all starts well ends well right? WRONG!!!!

You see, my mom had gone off to Mexico DF (the capital of this fucked up country) to try and get the VISA for going back to the US for a visit… and everything went alright at first, and then just today Monday was the day they denied it. FUCK!!!! And that’s when I got pissed off with God and came with this conclusion…

Happiness is an illusion, created by mankind to find meaning to life, and destroyed by a God that enjoys to see his creation go through many events of pain and seeing them suffer. He loves to see those who love Him suffer and go through so much pain, and I proved it… I don’t wana go into that rant, so here is the link to the journal in FA…

Sorry, I still feel bummed out for this… so I can’t say much but I’m sorry to everyone… and I’m sorry for not replying Yure… I have no excuse really… I am… ugh…

*cries* T-T

and as a final note, I finally dropped out of med school officially… so I am no longer able to go back ever again in my entire life… seriously, i cant ever go back now…

Advertisements

last week of school ^^_

YAY!!! NO MORE SCHOOL!!! … cept for tests… -_-… and this week has been quite mood-swingy like… I think it’s been fun and weird for me… you be the judge…

So, to start off, yes, this WAS my last week of school… I only have the finals to work on now, but seeing that I never studied, I don’t care and I pretty much just lost all interest in med school, I think I’m going to fail most of them if not all… why go then? Just to finish this semester and get it over with… the only test I WILL study for is the admission exam for Systems Engineering (coming this 8th).
The school psychologist is plain boring… all she did was make me takes these stupid personality tests and thats it… but I won’t get to see them cuz I won’t go back to her office again… (lol)

Life:
It has been awkward for me… it went from sadness, to ENVY, to anxiety, and then happy… and at the moment painful. Sadness cuz I’m bored and I can’t do much about it. I want to draw but I kinda suck at it anyways… *sigh* I need to do something… and I had envy at this furry kid in FA (Ven) cuz he has the TB life I ONLY DREAMED OF come to life… I would post his journal link here, but I duno… I don’t like doing that much without permission, cuz it feels like I might be getting them in trouble… so instead I’ll post his journal without linking… JUST REMEMBER THIS ISN’T MY LIFE!!! (though I wish it were) T-T

So I went to bed padded… as usual how ever i woke up to my mom sitting on the side of my bed stroking my head and patting my wet diaper (i don’t know why i started wetting the bed again). So i look at my diaper and it was a dark yellow color! so then i acted angry and blusher A LOT! Then she said “he’s back!” And i asked “who?” Then she said “…. My baby.” then she kissed me on the head and gave me a big hug! Then she handed me a pic she got of me and it said “before” and it showed a pic of me as a baby. Then it said “after” and showed a pic of me that night! It had me snuggling my plushie, in my wet diaper and t shirt. Then on the bottom it said ” can you see the difference? I can’t! =P So thats when i think i turned a completely new shade of red! Then she said it time to get up my little crinklebutt! So yeah I’m still trying to comprehend all of this!

Well, with that little journal I got OVERLY pissed at his life and mine… but after talking it out to myself in a recorded journal (just recording myself with my phone), I was able to get rid of all the jealousy (felt something lifted off of me, no kidding) and replace it with err.. love?… I duno… I mean, after that I read this and all I can say is “AAWWWW!!!” and “THAT’S SOOOOOO CUTE!!!”… sure, I still wish that were my life, but not feeling hatred towards him…

Anyways… I also got  anxious about a job cuz I might be able to get in!!! It’s a ummm… cybercafe? duno what you would call it in English… it’s a place with many computers where you can use one for whatever… but they also have a department of computer maintenance of a somwhat big movie theater and other companies… and they employer (seeing I want to switch careers) said I would start in the cyber and then he would transition me to the systems… so I hope I get in, and best of all, it’s VERY close to my house, like 3 minutes away walking… I’ll know what happens next week…

And now I’m in a bit of pain cuz the last 2 wisdom teeth where pulled out today… so it hurts a bit yes, but I won’t have any problem with them anymore… so that’s ummm… better? And also, I got this amazing gift art by rogerwolf92 from FA… it’s awesome!!! and I obtained permission to use the colors he used with my fursona as my own… so now “childish” has colors!!! and the shape I plan on making it in reference to Yure’s drawing…

^^_

1 week left… update…

Oh boy!!! *sigh* well, I only have 1 week left of real school, then it’s finals for all month long… yeah, June finals… I have like 4, one starting this week though…

School:
Boring, boring, boring… OK, I might have not said this before, but since I don’t give a flying F for them, I started to skip some of them… or have I said that before?… wait… *checks older posts*… oops!! I have, sorry ^_^
Well… it’s been VERY boring lately in there… I do nothing fun and really nothing worth my time… and I dislike going to the psychologist, but I think I can make it so tomorrow monday is my last visit with her. I finally found out WHY my interest plummeted to the ground for med school: I am disappointed!!! Not with myself, but with the school system….

So, the other night I had a small argument with my mom, and we talked about me and med school yet again. And we came to the conclusion that I still love med school, but that I am disappointed in the way they teach it here in Mexico, and thanks to that my interest just died. Perhaps, if it were taught in a different way (where learning was what matters most and not the grade) then maybe I would still be enjoying it. But no, it is not that way at all in almost any place. So, I prefer to just quit med school and go for a career where, even though it is the same type of system where only the grade matters, I can actually LEARN something and even UNDERSTAND it with less difficulty. For some reason, computers have been quite better for me to understand, and so is math; thus I say the following:

Staying in med school, passing with the lowest passing grade possible, and becoming a mediocre doctor is not what I want. I prefer to quit and go for something I know I am better at understanding and learning than becoming something I am NOT and actually doing more harm than good in society. I rather be able to break a computer and replace it somehow, than leave an empty, dark and bottomless pit in someone’s heart by taking the life away of someone they loved thanks to my ignorance.

And so, my decision. I want to talk to the principal and the psychologist about this feeling, and I proly will. So there we go…

Life:
Aside from the unexpected surprise, I had more unexpected surprises… well, it was really just one today, but I still love it. A great friend of mine from FA (roger) has made a gift art for Yure, Ryan and me… I was SHOCKED to see it cuz I never had it coming!!! IT WAS IS AMAZING!!!!! I LUV IT!!!! Here is the pic… if you have an FA account, I’d encourage you to fave it and give him som luv ^^

And ummm…. yeah, that’s kinda it… lots of stuff going on in life with me… my b-day is nearing (not good) but something is also nearing… delivery date!!! Of what? Oh nothing especial… just A NEW DOG NAME TAG FOR MY COLLAR!!!! yeah, had it ordered yesterday and it will be here in about 25 to 30 days, so maybe I’ll be able to obtain it on my b-day… =P

And lastly… I HAVE TOO MANY ACCOUNTS EVERYWHERE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EMAIL THEY ARE ATTACHED TO OR WHAT THEY ARE!!!!… I have a small file with the accounts and the emails I used for them, but it’s a bit out of date, and I really need time to update ALL of them accounts… at least log in and say something so people know I’m still alive… thing is, I actually use FA the most. That and FB, but eh… I prefer FA, but I also like the other sites like DA, BFME, FMX, IB, SF, etc…

=P

This week…

has been like a roller coaster ride… so many ups and downs lately I think I might fall off the seat!!

School
Oh boy… it seems all I say about school is that it’s horrible, and well, it is, but what did I expect? The school systems sucks here!!! But it’s not like I can change that right???
So, this week at school, on Monday I got my pass to the test (with my aunt’s help), then I had to have a special meeting with my tutor on Tuesday; unfortunately, I couldn’t find him on the day he wanted me to see him… but I was fortunate to see him in the hallway on Wednesday and told him I wanted to switch careers. And guess what he said!!! Oh God, I hate this but… I have to go talk to the school’s PSYCHOLOGIST!!!… if there is one thing I dislike the most is talking to therapists and psychologists… they are boring to me. I already dealt with many therapists/psychologists in my past, but I guess it must be done for school reasons.
Anyways, I also met with the principal and he didn’t know I flunked Anatomy 1, and he said he’ll strangle me (jokingly)… the thing is, he knows me and my mother since we told him about my case (coming from the US etc.) and well, I’m just thinking: what will he say when I tell him I’m out of med school for good?… It’s not like it’ll affect anything, but just curious to know…

Life
I have been sorta “PMSing” lately… for some odd reason, I have been depressed and happy and depressed and angry and happy and so on… and well, I made a small little poem-like story in FA about it. I also did other things like an attempt of a self-RP and a therapy session in the style of Yure ^_^
But the biggest thing that has happened to me this week in my personal life is this… I have come to realize something that I would never have done without the help of my friends Brandon, Yure, and Ryan (a great babyfur friend I met in FA)…

I am not who you see. The person, or surrogate as I call it, you interact with all the time is just that; a body, a fake image, a human representation of myself. Who I TRULY am is a babyfur whose name is the name given to him as a human. All the feelings, the actions, the decisions, the character, everything about me, is actually done because of my babyfursona! You may think it’s stupid or crazy talk, but that is how I feel. That is how I am. And that is how I always want to be!! =P

And that’s true!!! I have seen that the only time I am truly happy is when I am letting my babyfur side out to play!!! In all of my RPs, it’s him that does all the talking, not me. I actually am SO happy when I am my little self inside… so I prefer to feel that I am just stuck in this body forever, and that I will always be a babyfur all my life as well!!! ^_^

Other stuff
The other day, I made an account in this site where it shows many registered furries around the globe… I found none near my home so I decided to make an account and put it there. And in that same day, I met this furry online who lives in the same city as I do!!! I couldn’t believe it at all!!! And well, he wants to meet me some day and I am nervous about that, but would be nice to meet another furry IRL.

And well, that’s my entire week… sorta. I am doing right now much better and not feeling depressed for now… and also, the following message is for all those AB/DLs or those with a diaper fetish:
I am in the process of making a sort of guide for help and advice on being an AB/DL… it ranges from understanding what/how/why it is, to wearing diapers, to getting diapers and such… I don’t know when I’ll finish, but just to give you a heads up… I already made a couple of texts where I talk about my experiences wearing diapers in public and shopping for them. So yeah, when it’s finished, I will upload it somewhere and let you all know about it.

=P

Well, the update isn’t surprising itself… but what happened this week WAS surprising… beyond my imagination really…

Last time I wrote, I was saying that my family was somewhat against my decision to leave med school, but something unexpected happen on the 2nd… something I would’ve never have really imagined myself since I pretty much know how people are… here is the background info to this:

My brother asked me if I wanted to go see the new movie The Avengers, and I said sure, why not… I didn’t care if I had to do homework or not. We told our mom that we were going out but never told her where, she said it was ok and we left, but midway in the movie, my mom DID find out (somehow) and she sent me a message saying if it was almost over. Once home, I expected an argument about the movies and she didn’t disappoint me… she was very pissed about the whole movie thing that she decided to cut the internet and sell the car. She later argued about me not studying and such, and how we didn’t care about her, etc…
Well, what struck me by surprise was what my brother did… HE DEFENDED MY CASE AND SUPPORTED ME IN LEAVING MED SCHOOL!!! yeah, speechless… he even said the following about me:

Maybe Juan doesn’t belong in med school but he might belong in systems! He has great math skills, which is the basics of the career so he is in great shape there. He also has tons of logic, so he’s able to see a problem and think ‘ok, it doesn’t work but why? because of this or this and why not…’ and he has helped me out too in some problems I had in school that were quite easy for him. He’s very skilled with computers and besides, being an engineer in that field is no small title, they make big bucks too!!!

I could NOT believe what he said… seriously, I just wanted to hug him and attack him with licks (as a furry tho not IRL)… he was the one that was against me leaving, but on that argument he defended his and my case about school. I also defended myself but that’s pretty obvious, and in the end, my mom cooled off and was more accepting of me leaving med school, tho she still prays to God that He be the one to decide (and I just wish He helps me leave med school and get into systems).

And yesterday I told at first 2 friends in school about me leaving, and they didn’t argue about it… but once home, I went to my Facebook account and wrote that I was going to leave med school, so my entire family finds out already (they’d find out sooner or later anyways)… and well, since I have many people as my friends and they are from my classes, they all saw it and I was just expecting so many “Juan, don’t give up… you can do it!!”.
However, I was wrong, and I received so many “Good luck Juan in your new career!!” and “Well, it was a pleasure knowing you, I hope that you do great in systems” and a “It takes courage to admit that you made the wrong choice, so kudos to you!!”… I only got like 2 or 3 people to say that I should stay, but the rest (like 20-something) are in agreement about me leaving med school. My cousin found out and she supports me full way, and my aunt, well, she is kinda against me, but I wrote to her my reasons (a few, not all)… and now I am expecting phone calls from the rest of the family. I just hope they lay off my mom and go towards me directly… so now I must face their judgement which I can pretty much handle.

As for me right now? Well, I’m bored doing some presentation for histology… quite boring but I must do it… though everything will be quick and most of it will be BSd from the book. Speaking of books, some people want them!!! So I can make a bit of money back from the books, which adds up to about $5,000 spent… so maybe I can get back $4,000 by selling them, and some of them look almost brand new since I never used them much, and so I can sell them almost like new, though I will probably take out a few bucks…

Other stuff… my tooth is aching, or is it my gum?? I have no clue, really… so I will go get that checked out today, as well as do some paperwork at the institute where I will go for systems… so nothing much going on now… my imagination is lacking a bit from all this business that I can’t seem to draw anything… need some inspiration… but other than that, everything is going great!!! I am happy for once this week!!! yay!!!

*crinklehugs and licks*

=P

–EDIT–

MY FAMILY IS SUPPORTIVE!!!
That was a huge surprise to me… I told my grandma about me quitting med school, expecting for her to get sad or cry or say something against it, but she reacted completely the opposite. She did get a little perplexed, but she said “Well, if you feel that med school isn’t yours, then go for what you think it’s best!”… and I think my aunt (who works at the university where I’ll be attending) will support me as well with anything I need there… my other aunt (who wrote to me on Facebook) is also supportive of my choice… and so is my cousin!!!

I am for once happy right now!!! I never felt so much support from so many people… first it was support from my best friends Brandon and Yure, then my dad, then brother and mother, then some friends at school, and now the rest of the family!!! It goes to show that we never know someone entirely, even if we know how he/she acts, we never know when they’ll do something unexpected… something we NEVER thought possible… and prove us wrong in the way we thought of them… (sounds like a letter to Princess Celestia)

*moar crinklehugs and licks*

=P

Questioning my ways…

Come to think of it… I have never really questioned my motives and ways of doing things… never really cared to do so, but i just thought about what others might think or feel about the way I do things…

Mainly, I wana ask this: Am I coming too strong?… the thing is, I try to be myself, try to not be oppressed by anyone or anything and just be who I truly am inside, but is it too much??
An example would be being a brony… I love being a brony, no doubt about that, but would that be too hard on my family to know? My cousin knows but she has an open mind about me… but what about my Mom or Brother who are both on the ‘homophobic’ kind of side, and plus, they are Christians and you know how they act around such topics… what will they think if they see my wallpaper (which I changed cuz I wanted to) with the 6 main ponies???… what I’m expecting is this

Mom– What in the world is this??? Why do you have that picture there??? Are you gay or something!!! That’s why I worry about you, because you need God more than ever!!!
Brother– WTF!!!! OK, seriously, you are gay… so stop it already and take that wallpaper down!!! Or else I will go on and tell everyone about it… *punches my arm a bit hard* stop being gay then!!!
Me– So what IF I like ponies huh? Does that mean I’m gay? Or that I hate God or something like that? It is just a show I find very entertaining and well made!!! There is nothing wrong for a guy to like it… in fact, there is this fandom called “Bronies” and it is VERY HUGE in numbers… and they are all guys who like the show… and the majority of them are straight!!! Besides, it is MY life and what I like isn’t it??? So what’s the problem then???

I don’t know if it’s morally correct for me to come out that strongly, to be kinda like “so what!!! it is MY life isn’t it? I can do what I want to do, is there a problem with that, deal with it”…? I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings at all, but I also don’t like oppressing MY feelings at all!!!
I also like to speak out my opinion, even if people don’t care about it… I just like to say what I think about, but many times I feel that I must also apologize if I offend anyone since it is NOT my intent in doing so… would that be too much for me to do??

And one last detail… I try not to keep secrets, so I blog about it so anyone can see who I am, and that includes intimate stuff like pawing and such… is it too much? Should I restrict myself from saying too much detail? If anyone asks me, I have NO shame in saying that I paw off VERY often and in diapers whenever I have the chance to… I have NO shame in telling them my secrets which aren’t really secret, though I keep some stuff secret for privacy issues with friends and family (or VERY secure data like passwords to my accounts)… but for me, I am more open about my feelings and such via writing than spoken, which is hard for me to speak to someone about my feelings since I can’t expect their reaction and I don’t know what tone of voice to use… thus, writing it out is much better, and that way each person can interpret the tone of voice I’m using…

*sigh*… let’s see what happens… in the end, I really do NOT want to offend anyone, hurt anyone’s feelings, upset them… I never liked fights IRL, maybe the video games kind yes, but the RL ones no… but I’m also a bit tired of having to hide who I am… if people want to like me or be my friend, they will have to understand me at least and not judge me like I won’t judge them… and that includes girl/boyfriends (which is another story for another post)…

Bittersweet…

This lil victory of mine that is… the final decision was

Go on and sign up for the test… then we’ll see what happens

So this is how it all went down… my mom and I argued a bit, and of course God came into the talk… and we both based our arguments on God. After a while, she asked me to come to church with her, which I didn’t want to go, but I went anyways to get a chance to talk to her a bit more relaxed and easy going…

On our way to church (walking) I was able to give her my info and all that… we talked and I continued explaining why I didn’t wan to be in med school. She listened attentively to my every word and asked a few things here and there. Once in church, I kept talking to her about it and then got on with the church activities. I honestly thought the preaching was boring but well said (Psalms 33)… so it was just that the guy repeated the same things over and over for the older crowd to get the picture.

After church, I kinda had a small chat with a friend who had given up on medicine a long time ago… he wasn’t doing ANYTHING anymore; no studying, no job, nothing!! And I told my mom about him and said to her

That’s another thing that I am also at least thankful to God for, that I actually WANT to study another career. If I were to have said to you that I wanted to quit med school and not have given you another career option or a job, then I would have agreed with you completely if you were to have gotten mad at me and yelled at me.

Once home, we kept on talking a bit… and basically she isn’t worried about my career future, she is much more worried that I have lost my path with God. All she wants for me is to plead help from God, that’s it… it’s all faith in Him… but, I duno…
Look, I have NO inconvenience in talking to God, heck, I many times talk to Him when I walk to school (and btw, that’s prayer in reality, talking to God), but I don’t feel like I can really “deny” myself from many things.

That’s what I feel they (church and many Christians) want me to do… give up everything I think fun and change it to what they feel is correct… example, no more techno music cuz “it isn’t worshiping God in any way”. And they consider pawing “fornication” which I believe it to be wrong (and Yure has a great explanation about it)… I just can’t do that to myself, deny so many things from my life…

I think what I fear the most is that they tell me that being a furry is wrong and so is being an ABDL… I know they feel that being bi-curious is wrong, but what am I supposed to do? I know God can change me forever, but I don’t want to change cuz I love the way I am right now!! OK, maybe a few things here and there I dislike myself for, but seriously, I duno… so thinking right now about it, this is what I will do…

-As much as it pains me to do this, but I think that maybe going to the church my mom goes to wouldn’t be so bad… maybe not daily, but once a week won’t hurt anyone… I’ll start to go maybe once every 2 weeks, and I will tell my mom about that so she knows that I won’t go weekly just yet… the only reason I will do this is to hopefully have a bit more communication with God and to make my mom less worrisome of me… and I will NOT follow all their rules, I won’t prohibit myself from doing certain things (I find NOTHING wrong with Chiptune, pawing, diapers, MLP, etc.)…
-Maybe I will read the Bible once a week… maybe learn a few things from it like a few advices and such… it doesn’t hurt to take at least 15 minutes of my week to read something from the Bible I guess…
-Prayer will stay they way it is… I will talk to God the only way I know how… by talking… by myself… I won’t be kneeling much unless I really feel that I need to…

SO, that’s about it for the plan of my future as of now… I don’t want to upset my mom and God at the same time, so I will play along and see what happens… if I see that it really isn’t benefiting me in ANY way going to church, I will talk to my mom about it and will set my foot down about that. I am doing this for my mom’s sake and to maybe help myself with anything… and I do NOT want to get involved in anything in church, so no “youth group”, no “music group” none of that… I am too antisocial to even care about those groups… why can’t they understand this?

And sure, I’ll pray to God about the career, why not? Maybe some of His help could do a benefit in systems later on… and I will tell Him about my feelings (which he already obviously know) about med school… hopefully He will make my mom a little more happy with my decision…

And just to be clear… I WILL NOT CHANGE THE WAY I AM!!! I love myself too much to see myself change from a free thinker to a brainless church goer… ugh, I think I’d shoot myself if I were to become that… so do not worry, I will still have my open mind and still enjoy they things I enjoy… I won’t talk about God in all my conversations (sorry God) and I won’t try to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want… my opinions and advice will be based on my ideas mainly, rarely on my religious beliefs…

Did I win, lose, or is it a weird treaty where both sides felt they lost and nobody really won?

-_-…

Sound Effects Download

Well first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 2010!!!

As I have mentioned before, I am going to post my entire folder of sound effects that I have downloaded and obtained from many websites and videos online. It has over 300 sound effects (about 240 in mp3 format and 240 in wav format) and it also contains some sounds from both Windows XP and WIndows 7.

I don’t have the rights, however, so don’t be selling them please because most of them are in fact free. You do need winrar to open the file.

So… without further a due…

Click here for the sound effects file

And if you need winrar archiver…

Click here for the winrar download

Well, enjoy using these sound effects in whatever you want (videos, music, computer, pranks, whatever!).

YAY Friday!!! But wait… !!!!

Well, its FINALLY FRIDAY!!! Woohoo!! I am just glad to be out of school already for the weekend.

But wait, I just have some bad news.

No, not homework (although I did get some), but there was a fire near my school!! NOT KIDDING!! IT WAS ONLY LIKE 1 OR 2 HOUSES DOWN!!! We didn’t evacuate at all, but I still hope nobody was injured. Maybe it will be on the news, but I doubt it. Nobody really notices (or cares) about San Jose. =(

Here is the story of what happened. Click me!

Anyways, if you want, check out my YouTube channel Here. I have 2 videos posted so far but I will add more once my schedule clears up a bit. =P