Tag Archive: Friends


wow… long time huh??

Yeah, long time I don’t write here… I blame school and some life problems…

Sooooo… let’s see…. I’ve been quite busy with school lately… yesterday I did about 20 integral problems and the day before I finished my calculator thingy for OOP. I also finished some accounting homework and well, it was boring all day yesterday… but it had to be done…

Anyways, my life has been quite dull recently… I had a fight with my brother (more like those stupid hand fights from cartoons) and it made me realize how tired I am of him… sure he “cares for me” (really freaking deep inside), but he still is an a-hole… I realize that if it weren’t for him some thing that were bad in my life would have never occurred… so yeah, I dislike him quite a lot and I am fed up with him, so no more helping him… yeah, he can manage on his own and so can I…

Other than that, I’ve been a bit depressed due to lack of free time, stress and some feelings I’ve been having… but I’m getting by in life just fine I think… nothing to be worried about… ^^

And as a final note, I’ve seen Yure and Roger draw their fursonas in cute light-green colored cloth diapers… this has made me want to wear one even more than before… especially those light-green ones!! I just keep wondering what it would feel like to wear a cloth diaper with velcro-tapes thingy… and to kinda satisfy that need, I might draw Childish  with one… but I’d still rather have one IRL… maybe one day… I already have seen some sites but their design are not really what I’m looking for… still, there is 1 or 2 sites that give me hope since they say “we make custom orders” and especially one that has a “celery” color (which I think it’s light-green enough)… hopefully one day I will buy one… or two!!!
^_^

PS: New avatar… drawing made by Roger!!

stupid, crazy days…

Another time I don’t update… sorry about that, but all this time it has been stupid, crazy and just… I duno!!! I’ll explain why…

Stupid

I’ve been feeling stupid and useless and like the worst friend ever lately. Mainly it’s because I feel that I keep letting them down!!! I have this story from Brandon that I really want to read and edit, this guide for many *BDLs to continue, a story for my friends to write, and notes and journals to read and reply from friends in FA!!!! However, I don’t do all that because… well, I DON’T KNOW!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!… Is it because I’m bored?? Because I feel sick (somehow)?? Because… WHY??!!!…
Also, I found out one of my friends is going to therapy for his diaper fetish… his parents forced him to go and for some reason, I feel that it’s my fault!!! I feel that it’s all my fault that he is going!!!
All I can say to you all is… I AM EVER SO SORRY!!! T-T

Crazy

I have been going out with friends lately (for once in my entire lifetime), having a nice time talking with them and having some coffee… and my mom now is suspicious of me!!! She is kinda onto me about my sexuality… she think that my friends (specifically 1 friend) is more than that… that he is my boyfriend!!! She actually thought I was gay, which, as you may know, it isn’t half wrong… I’m bi but more attracted to men than women. But how am I supposed to tell her that?!! I couldn’t possibly be able to!!! My friends, who are gay furries, would back me up if I need them… but I still don’t think I could tell her that any time soon. My plan is to tell her I’m bisexual either when I;m about to finish Systems, or when I already have a job… that way she can’t say that I won’t be able to succeed in life and I can get a place to stay in any worst case scenario.

And as for anything else… I duno… I’ve been getting sick lately… it’s not a cold or anything, but my freaking stomach!!! And I sometimes feel anxious and nauseous… crap…. and depression is kinda hitting me for some reason… maybe it’s because of the stuff I mentioned above and plus of not being able to tell my mom about myself. Having to hide everything from her… everything that is ME, she has NO clue about, or so I think.

I am not much of a coward (a little, yes) but it’s not that I am afraid of what they might do to me… they can lynch me for all I care. What I am afraid of is to hurt them VERY deeply by telling them just that I’m bi!!! I am afraid that they might feel so deeply ashamed of me that they might go into a deep depression and hatred. I don;t want anything to happen to them, but I also don’t feel right about hiding them this sole truth about me forever… I feel wrong in lying to them, in making them see a me that is a complete lie…

I need a hug
T-T

Jealousy… depression… stuff…

I think that during all this year, July must be the WORST month so far… I shall explain in a few moments why. I mean, I would have said January, but that was the month I came to terms with myself with the help of Yure. February was another month I didn’t like much, but I can’t complain about it either. March was boredom, and May was deception because of med school. June was a great month thanks to the cubing out, my friend’s b-day and mine too.

First off, it has been, like Pinkie Pie would put it, BOOOOORING!!! Nothing new and nothing good to do around here since I have nothing… seriously, I would love to do something like work and get paid!!! But no, i have NO job and nothing to kill time… even walking is SOOOO boring since my city is a bit small and VERY boring.

Anyways, the boredom has been later combined with jealousy and depression. I am jealous that my art skills are shit while others are much better… but this is making me try harder in drawing than hating them. However, I am very jealous (almost envious) at some artist’s stats in FA!!! I mean, I have been in FA for a year tho just recently uploading art and stuff (since March or so)… and well, I have less than 60 watchers and less than 200 favs. And yet, I see that some are quite new, have uploaded very little art and yet they have over 70 watchers, and 400+ favs!!!! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!! And not only am I jealous of their stats, I am also jealous of their lives right now, cuz their moms KNOW AND ACCEPT THEIR INFANTILISM and they both buy diapers for them. One of them is even getting cushies and a sleeper, and his mom even babies him!!!!!! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

*sigh*
But should I be jealous of them for their stats?? I have some reasons at how they got them…
1) They got their watchers by friends help and social networking (which I don’t really do)…
2) They got their favs and some watchers thanks to their requests by other artists (which I also don’t do)…

I just duno… and also, they can draw much better than me, so that should also be added there. One can even do digital much more like a pro!!! And me? I just draw shit, digitalize like crap and don’t say a word except for happy and congratulatory words to them. Yeah, I keep my anger-jealousy with me and don’t say a word.

And should I even be jealous of their lifestyles? I can’t complain much about it too much for the following:
1) I can buy diapers by myself, which they still can’t. Only problem is, as always, money, hiding them and disposal.
2) Even if my mom is too religious and closed minded, she still loves me very much.
3) I have dealt with many life problems on my own, and they will face them with my help and from others, thus you could say I am a bit “stronger” than they are in that aspect.
4) No matter what, they are still my best friends!!!

And I’m guessing that’s where the depression is from. Funny how this is the 2nd time I realize (or conclude) something by writing in my blog… but yeah, I think my depression is from feeling worthless, and doing nothing adds to the feeling so much more. I just feel that I’m too worthless to even do anything… that my life isn’t worth shit…

However, I can’t just stop here. My art sucks (to my perspective) and it will keep sucking unless I keep going. The only way to actually get better at this is to draw, draw and draw!! Ranting about it will solve NOTHING, and yelling at people won’t do anything either. I know I’m not worthless because my friends remind me every single day of that… I have been able to help them all in any way, and they always remind me that I am worth something in this world, even if they don’t literally say it. Also, why would I want so many watchers or favs??? What’s the point in being popular???

WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED ALL THOSE THINGS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH POPULARITY WHEN I GOT MY TRUE BEST FRIENDS THAT LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM AND FOR WHAT I DO??? THEY ARE ALL THAT I WILL EVER NEED IN MY LIFE!!!!!

*super crinklehuggles all of you*

^_^
I love you guys!!! VERY MUCH!!!

last week of school ^^_

YAY!!! NO MORE SCHOOL!!! … cept for tests… -_-… and this week has been quite mood-swingy like… I think it’s been fun and weird for me… you be the judge…

So, to start off, yes, this WAS my last week of school… I only have the finals to work on now, but seeing that I never studied, I don’t care and I pretty much just lost all interest in med school, I think I’m going to fail most of them if not all… why go then? Just to finish this semester and get it over with… the only test I WILL study for is the admission exam for Systems Engineering (coming this 8th).
The school psychologist is plain boring… all she did was make me takes these stupid personality tests and thats it… but I won’t get to see them cuz I won’t go back to her office again… (lol)

Life:
It has been awkward for me… it went from sadness, to ENVY, to anxiety, and then happy… and at the moment painful. Sadness cuz I’m bored and I can’t do much about it. I want to draw but I kinda suck at it anyways… *sigh* I need to do something… and I had envy at this furry kid in FA (Ven) cuz he has the TB life I ONLY DREAMED OF come to life… I would post his journal link here, but I duno… I don’t like doing that much without permission, cuz it feels like I might be getting them in trouble… so instead I’ll post his journal without linking… JUST REMEMBER THIS ISN’T MY LIFE!!! (though I wish it were) T-T

So I went to bed padded… as usual how ever i woke up to my mom sitting on the side of my bed stroking my head and patting my wet diaper (i don’t know why i started wetting the bed again). So i look at my diaper and it was a dark yellow color! so then i acted angry and blusher A LOT! Then she said “he’s back!” And i asked “who?” Then she said “…. My baby.” then she kissed me on the head and gave me a big hug! Then she handed me a pic she got of me and it said “before” and it showed a pic of me as a baby. Then it said “after” and showed a pic of me that night! It had me snuggling my plushie, in my wet diaper and t shirt. Then on the bottom it said ” can you see the difference? I can’t! =P So thats when i think i turned a completely new shade of red! Then she said it time to get up my little crinklebutt! So yeah I’m still trying to comprehend all of this!

Well, with that little journal I got OVERLY pissed at his life and mine… but after talking it out to myself in a recorded journal (just recording myself with my phone), I was able to get rid of all the jealousy (felt something lifted off of me, no kidding) and replace it with err.. love?… I duno… I mean, after that I read this and all I can say is “AAWWWW!!!” and “THAT’S SOOOOOO CUTE!!!”… sure, I still wish that were my life, but not feeling hatred towards him…

Anyways… I also got  anxious about a job cuz I might be able to get in!!! It’s a ummm… cybercafe? duno what you would call it in English… it’s a place with many computers where you can use one for whatever… but they also have a department of computer maintenance of a somwhat big movie theater and other companies… and they employer (seeing I want to switch careers) said I would start in the cyber and then he would transition me to the systems… so I hope I get in, and best of all, it’s VERY close to my house, like 3 minutes away walking… I’ll know what happens next week…

And now I’m in a bit of pain cuz the last 2 wisdom teeth where pulled out today… so it hurts a bit yes, but I won’t have any problem with them anymore… so that’s ummm… better? And also, I got this amazing gift art by rogerwolf92 from FA… it’s awesome!!! and I obtained permission to use the colors he used with my fursona as my own… so now “childish” has colors!!! and the shape I plan on making it in reference to Yure’s drawing…

^^_

another week gone by…

And still, everything is about the same… actually, I forgot what I did throughout the entire week!!! Good thing I have my diary to look at (which I should start posting again… hmmm, wonder why i stopped that).

Life:
According to my diaries, my life has been horribly boring… well, not entirely, but most parts. I have done nothing much except for the guide and a few other crap. Gotten angry with my brother and other people, but thats pretty much it. I wrote many things in it right now but still not even beta version. It needs more… MUCH more… But yeah, everything else has been boring. Everything except the RPs, which are awesome, but they get a lil boring when you are very sleepy…
Umm… I have talked to Noggum (the furry from my city) via chat and it was awesome! He is cool with me being an infantilist… he asked if I ever wanted to wear a diaper one day, and I replied “only ONE day?” and gave him the explanation and link about infantilism. He’s cool with it and finds it interesting… and also, he goes to the school and career I want to go!!! He told me the career is nice and relaxed a bit, and that it’s tons of math and some programming, but everything is cool. That just cheered me up and now I want to learn java programming… which I kinda am ^^
And also, I told my cousin about me being an infantilist, babyfur and bi… and she’s also cool with it!!! I was very happy to have told her, I been wanting to for a long time, but I just felt too scared to do so since she is my family. But yeah, she thinks it’s normal and finds nothing wrong with it… damn it feels so nice for someone in my family to know and accept me ^_^

School:
I have talked to the psychologist and I kinda hated it. She basically made me think who I was and what I wanted. Well, I am that babyfur self, and what I want is to have a relaxing and somewhat happy life full of surprises and ups and downs!! As for a job, I don’t really see myself as a doctor at all, and I imagine myself being the manager of the systems in a company; making sure they work properly, fast and all work gets done. You know, just fixing them and being able to do many things in my computer… and to even strengthen my love and interest for computers, my brother is doing a sorta thesis about viruses, and he’s asking my opinion and it’s awesome!!! I love to think about viruses and anything computer related!!! But I guess the psychologist doesn’t see that in me…
Anyways… school has been the most boring since ever!! I have NO clue what they are talking in Histology, no interest in Anatomy, nothing about Biochemistry and seriously not giving a flying F about Demography!!! It has come to such extent that I don’t do my homework and I skip classes. I mean, look. If I have to learn everything at home, and my homework is what I have to present in class and I don’t do it, what’s the point in going to class? What’s the point in telling the teacher “I didn’t study” and skipping me? Seriously, it’s stupid.

And well, I guess that’s it… I’m actually a little worried about Yure cuz of his school stuff… I hope you are doing fine right now, and I still wish I could help you out more!!

*hugs*

This week…

has been like a roller coaster ride… so many ups and downs lately I think I might fall off the seat!!

School
Oh boy… it seems all I say about school is that it’s horrible, and well, it is, but what did I expect? The school systems sucks here!!! But it’s not like I can change that right???
So, this week at school, on Monday I got my pass to the test (with my aunt’s help), then I had to have a special meeting with my tutor on Tuesday; unfortunately, I couldn’t find him on the day he wanted me to see him… but I was fortunate to see him in the hallway on Wednesday and told him I wanted to switch careers. And guess what he said!!! Oh God, I hate this but… I have to go talk to the school’s PSYCHOLOGIST!!!… if there is one thing I dislike the most is talking to therapists and psychologists… they are boring to me. I already dealt with many therapists/psychologists in my past, but I guess it must be done for school reasons.
Anyways, I also met with the principal and he didn’t know I flunked Anatomy 1, and he said he’ll strangle me (jokingly)… the thing is, he knows me and my mother since we told him about my case (coming from the US etc.) and well, I’m just thinking: what will he say when I tell him I’m out of med school for good?… It’s not like it’ll affect anything, but just curious to know…

Life
I have been sorta “PMSing” lately… for some odd reason, I have been depressed and happy and depressed and angry and happy and so on… and well, I made a small little poem-like story in FA about it. I also did other things like an attempt of a self-RP and a therapy session in the style of Yure ^_^
But the biggest thing that has happened to me this week in my personal life is this… I have come to realize something that I would never have done without the help of my friends Brandon, Yure, and Ryan (a great babyfur friend I met in FA)…

I am not who you see. The person, or surrogate as I call it, you interact with all the time is just that; a body, a fake image, a human representation of myself. Who I TRULY am is a babyfur whose name is the name given to him as a human. All the feelings, the actions, the decisions, the character, everything about me, is actually done because of my babyfursona! You may think it’s stupid or crazy talk, but that is how I feel. That is how I am. And that is how I always want to be!! =P

And that’s true!!! I have seen that the only time I am truly happy is when I am letting my babyfur side out to play!!! In all of my RPs, it’s him that does all the talking, not me. I actually am SO happy when I am my little self inside… so I prefer to feel that I am just stuck in this body forever, and that I will always be a babyfur all my life as well!!! ^_^

Other stuff
The other day, I made an account in this site where it shows many registered furries around the globe… I found none near my home so I decided to make an account and put it there. And in that same day, I met this furry online who lives in the same city as I do!!! I couldn’t believe it at all!!! And well, he wants to meet me some day and I am nervous about that, but would be nice to meet another furry IRL.

And well, that’s my entire week… sorta. I am doing right now much better and not feeling depressed for now… and also, the following message is for all those AB/DLs or those with a diaper fetish:
I am in the process of making a sort of guide for help and advice on being an AB/DL… it ranges from understanding what/how/why it is, to wearing diapers, to getting diapers and such… I don’t know when I’ll finish, but just to give you a heads up… I already made a couple of texts where I talk about my experiences wearing diapers in public and shopping for them. So yeah, when it’s finished, I will upload it somewhere and let you all know about it.

=P

Hey there, its that time again… *sighs* im bored….

School…
whats left to say for it?? nothing really new, just… stress, work, stress, homework, stress, memorizing stuff, stress, and… more stress… did i leave anything out??

Friends
I am so very thankful for having them!! If it weren’t for them (Brandon and Yure) I don’t think I would’ve survived these past few months… and that isn’t a joke, it’s for reals!!! *hugs and licks to both of you*… and I’m also thankful for other friends at school, which have been great help (both morally and educationally) *hugs to them too*

Medical stuff
No, not school… my medical status im referring. Im not sick or anything, it’s just that i may need surgery done soon… why? my wisdom tooth is coming out VERY wrongly (i see it horizontal)…

Red= Tooth with a bad cavity that was “fixed” bout 7 years ago…
White= Wisdom tooth that is coming out badly… not looking good…

Unedited wisdom tooth x-ray

so… will find out what happens to me this Monday… wont miss school cuz i have a week of break!! yay ^_^… but to my dismay, i hafta study cuz once im back, i have a test… *facepaw*

Life events??
yea-NO. nothing really… been bored very lately, and im trying to draw somthing nice… its a little thought ive been having for a while… so it might be nice… though i duno if i can finish it… im sleepy…

=P

weekly update…

Hey how’s everyone doing?? Better than me I hope… nah… this week wasn’t so bad after all… so here is whats been going on.

School
Same old, same old… nothing very new except for work. I am quite tired of it, but I must keep going until it’s done… or until I find out it’s time to quit. Yeah, sometimes that happens, when you find out that the career you have been wanting really isn’t your dream career after all (which sucks). So I am seeing if that’s my case or if I just need to go through a few more bumps along the road before I can run…
My real problem is the memorization part of school. I can’t seem to be able to memorize every single thing that I read… heck, I sometimes can’t even remember what I’ve just read 10 seconds ago!!! It’s becoming a real hassle for me… but I will keep trying my best until the end of the semester, and if I happen to fail, well I guess it’s time to look for something else. It isn’t the end of the world you know… there are other things I’m good at and that I really love doing (not saying that I am the best or that these are many).
Oh, and just this past Thursday (March 15th) I went for the first time to a health center. We are signed up with a health center (depending on semester and location) to do some hands-on work. I didn’t really begin, but I was given some more homework to “memorize” by next week.

Personal
I went to the dentist this Friday… it wasn’t so bad, but it wasn’t good news either. I was told one of my fillings fell apart and needed repair. Bad thing is, my tooth has a HUGE hole in it… it is like 80% hole – 20% tooth… and it hurts a bit whenever I drink anything cold. Let me tell you, out of all the injuries I’ve had in my life (mental injuries don’t count), tooth ache is the MOST painful, even with all the others combined together and multiplied by 10!!! OK, it isn’t that painful right now, but before I got my first filling (the one that fell apart) the pain was unbearable. I am hoping that they remove it sometime next week…
Aside from that, I am finally almost at full health! Eeeyup!! Hopefully I won’t get sick… again… for the third time. Also, got an amazingly awesome gift from Yure!!! It’s a drawing of my fursona… well, techniaclly 5 drawings… wonder if I can put it up here…

yay I did it!!! lol ^_^
This made my entire week MUCH better. Seriously!!! Was feeling down dues to school, and with this, it just cheered me up!!! (And another set of thanks to Yure for these wonderful drawings!!)

[Legal mumbo-jumbo stuff]
Please don’t pirate them… if you want to reference them, please note the drawings were made by Yure and the character is 1childish1, so I didn’t draw them… they were gifts =P
[/Legal mumbo-jumbo stuff]

Lastly, my IRL best friend and I have been writting emails for some time… I even gave him links to this blog and he still accepts me, and I’ll quote him “No matter what, you will always be my friend”. To be honest with you all, I cried that day. It was the same day that Yure gave me these gifts… so it all was very overwhelmingly amazing. I have never told anyone (directly and IRL) about being an ABDL and still hear the words “you are my friend still” ever… only in my dreams and imagination. Sure, I have told tons of online friends and all, but they don’t know me (nor do I know them) IRL, so it’s a bit different.

Anyways, I’m just glad to have these two amazingly wonderful best friends of mine. I really wish I could do something as a “thank you for being there for me” for both of them (and I will… eventually).
*hugs to all*

=P

ps: IRL = In Real Life