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random update thingamajig… =P

Well, this is just a random update of what’s going on with me… =P

School
It’s been awesome!!! I really am enjoy school quite much!! My grades are WAAAAAAAAAYYYY better than in med school!!! Everything’s is basically higher than a 90 except for Discrete Math (85) and Investigation Basics (unknown, test still coming this Monday)… so yeah… im glad to have made the change… and im glad finals is almost over (just that one class)…

Furry
I’m trying to get back to the hang of things… trying to draw again (already finished 1 drawing) and will try to improve… I will also start working on the guide again and finish some other stuff too… some changes i’ve made so far:
My diaries will be from now on a “need-to-write” basis instead of daily… frankly, this is cuz I got quite bored and tired of writing daily my life… and i saw that many times i write “Boring stuff… stuff… usual crap…” and thus to avoid this, I will write whenever I feel and get the chance to write… =P

Life in GeneralIt’s been a bit hectic… mainly cuz our floor is being changed and we had to move everything… so yeah… its awful to have everything in just 2 rooms an have no privacy and all… but oh well…
I bought som stuff too the other day… it was a couple of fast flow (#3) nipples for my baby bottle!! My bottle came with a medium flow (#2) nipple and its kinda tough to suckle on it… so these will help me lots…
Hmm… what else… well, nothing much… I was able to buy myself a pack of goodnites the other day and used them throughout these past 2 weeks… it was a bit odd with the floor thing, but I still was able to enjoy them… =P

That’s kinda it I guess… =P

Random school update… =P

It’s been a while since I said anything about school… everything has been about how horrible things have been sometimes and how im dealing with life, but I never say much about school… well, until today… =P

I have realized this just today; for the first time in over a year, I actually feel happy with my school and even glad to go to class!!! Yeah!!! At first I felt a bit bad about leaving med school, but now, I can safely say that I made the right choice!! I’m doing very well and I’m liking it… my classes are Programing Basics, Administration Basics, Discrete Math, Ethics, Differential Calculus and Investigation Basics… oh yeah, and Cello!!

I am VERY good at programming (no boasting/bragging), and I’m enjoying it every day!! I also like calculus and even discrete math (tho the teacher goes funky at times) and I’m enjoying Cello class… as for Admin and others, im doing great, even tho they don’t raise my interests that much, I’m not failing any class!!!

Yep, this career is actually making me happy!! Best of all, not much stress to handle and NO HAVING TO MEMORIZE 4 CHAPTERS IN 1 NIGHT!!! Tho I keep waking up at 3:30am cuz it makes me awake… in med school, I found out that if I wake up with just enough time, I am still sleepy in class, while when I wake up with more than enough time (an hour or so) I don’t fall asleep in class at all!!! And I’m going to bed around 10:30 or 11pm… so around 5 hours isn’t so bad (when you compare it to only 2)!!!

^^_

THIS MUST END!!!

That’s it… I’m tired and sick about it… it MUST END!!!

Yes, PROCRASTINATION MUST END!!!! I can’t sit back and do nothing anymore… its too much and I do NOTHING… so NOTHING gets done… and well, I am now in the process of finishing all that I started and never really got to finish…

For starters, I am completing my diary entries that I never really got to finish… it’s a bit like cheating, yes, but I wrote little notes down saying what I did on that day… why am I doing that? Cuz I kinda want to… it will be like a small autobiography on my life… so far, I have 386 entries, meaning 386 days has passed since the fire nation attacked I wrote my first entry… a LOT has changed…

Second, I shall continue writing my guide… it’s been on a HUGE standby now and it needs to be finished… sure, I have no rush and nobody really NEEDs it right now… but the sooner I finish, the better I shall be able to feel much better about it… but that will take a while to finish the way I want it to finish…. =P

Then, I must finish reading some stuff I need to really read!!! There is the fan-fic from Brandon… “The Hunger Games” book I bought and barely started to read… and some stories from Yure in FA and his blog…

Lastly, I need to finish the 100-themes challenge!!! But I must first start to draw anything cuz I’m really just out of it… I tried drawing somthing and failed… so that really sucks… I need to do my practice sketches, get in a bad/sad mood and draw that emotion…

Yeah, that’s kinda what I need to do… unfortunately, it’s easier said than done… and if you’ve noticed, I didn’t say anything about the story I’m making (The Specialists) cuz I’m not sure if I will continue it or scrap it… it all depends on the rest…

*sigh*
Lots of work for me… but I WANT to do it… =P

Procrastination sucks… -_-

I know, I know… it’s been a bit long since my last write in here… but it’s not that I’ve been busy, it’s more cuz I have been 1) too damn lazy and 2) like Yure said, “I’m unmotivated/uninterested”…

As much as I hate it, I feel that it’s true… I stopped caring about many things… I tried drawing a few days back and I couldn’t do it!!! I tried drawing like I used to, tried drawing Childish again, but when I tried, it came out all wrong… I haven’t written anything in my journals since last month, so I now have around 2 month’s worth of journals to write into… I haven’t written anything in my story and my guide… and what’s worse, I feel crappy…

Remember that time where I felt that I was losing my ABDL side?? Well, it’s happening again… and this time it’s not cuz of not time, but because of what happened that August 13th… yes, even after almost 2 months passed, I still have the effects from it, but now I’m wondering, who is to blame for this??
I blame myself for putting up too much info in public places, and I also blame my brother for beings such a f-ing a-hole to have rated me out… but why did I “try to change”??? It was because of my mom, but I actually told them that day “I can’t promise anything for I know that anything I say won’t be true from the heart because I feel that I did nothing wrong!”. So, why do I have the feeling???

My guess here is that I feel this way because in my mind, I thought that my mom could have understood me and I also had the idea of “if she truly loves me, she’ll try to accept me for who I am”… but sadly, the answer was the exact OPPOSITE… so now I know this from her: she loves me, but is more into her religious views and closed mind that she won’t accept me for who I am… EVER!!! She will NEVER accept me as her son the way I truly am… so I decided to keep away from her and never tell her anything about me, only what I think she must know (health issues, certain problems, etc)…

That’s my guess for all this… this feeling of  “saudade”… *sigh* I miss everything in my life…

T-T

Where have thou gone to?

Where have thou gone to??

Spent my life looking for you, searching, trying, striving…

And when I found you, my life had changed completely, for the better…

I thought nothing could go wrong, nothing could separate us, nothing could tear us apart…

But boy was I a fool to think that; and idiot to have not thought it was possible…

To think that you’d stay with me forever, never leave me…

And yet, you left me…

You went on your way, and I couldn’t stop you…

And now that I try to find you again, I can’t see your light…

I can’t see, I can’t breathe, I can’t think…

Is there something that impedes me from finding you, from being back with you?

There is no place else to go, no place to hide, nowhere to run to…

So here I am, sitting, wondering, crying…

Thinking about all the places you could be in…

But of all the places, I can’t find you anywhere…

You are gone…

And all I can do is ask myself…

Happiness, where have thou gone to?

Random update

Welll… its been quite a long while since I last wrote here… and yet, i feel bad about it…

Umm… what can I say?? I’m not really myself still I guess… I mean, the depression is over, which is great! but the feeling of lazyness and crapy state is still here… so I haven’t done much really… school has been taking on me for some time now and Oreo has also done that too….

I have NOT written anything in my diaries except for a tiny summary of my day in each one of them, so now I have about 34 diaries that need completion… why? cuz i want to complete them, yet i duno why i dont… i have free time to do so, but there is somthing that just wont let me… it aint anyone or anything, but something is bothering me that keeps me from acheiving that goal of mine… i wish i knew…

but anyways, im doing OK in school and my family has laid off me as well… I’m not doing their church crap and religious shit, so im glad about that cuz I aint going back to one ever again if I can help it… however, they are still quite a-holes in the fact that my brother gets more rights than me and yet im the one who pays the price of doing somthing… but i can try to handle that….

ugh… im out of ideas, out of imagination, out of thinking, out of my mind, out of my soul, out of every single emotion for some reason…. i duno why… really wish i could cub out for a full day and see if that does the trick, but it seems like im never (and i mean NEVR) going to be alone in the house to do so…

-_-

I can now say that August was OFFICIALLY the WORST MONTH this year so far… trust me, July did NOT compare to the HELL I went through this month… but am I so damn glad it’s almost over…

Anyways, all of this can be backed up by the fact that I have NOT written anything in my diaries since the beginning of the month… all I write is quick notes for later such as “morning stuff, RP, etc”… why? Cuz all of this has been killing me slowly and daily… but now, I’m going to start school tomorrow the 27th and I’m hoping this will take my mind off of all this sh*t that I have to live through… and I must thank all my friends cuz if it weren’t have been for them, I would have gone insane and probably still be VERY depressed by it…

SO, what will happen this next month??? Aside from school, ummm… well, I shall resume my regular activities and try to forget the whole thing… and I want to make a resolution to finish with editing Brandon’s story, writing the guide, continuing my story, and drawing more about the challenge… but I know that if I do that, it’s basically a guarantee that I WON’T accomplish it… I duno why, but that’s how I work…

Well, I’m just hoping now for the best… and with Oreo in our family now, I hope for the best for both of us… yeah, he’s such a cute lil puppy, but I must train him lots… =P

More b*tching… sorry…

Sorry about this… I know I have been b*tching a lot lately, but I kinda have no other way to let out some of these feelings, and even though I’m writing them in my diaries, I still can’t get them out of my system.

First of all, my family is laying off a bit… they are still complaining at me about some things, but they aren’t looking through my stuff at all (so they won’t look at my hidden stuff)… however, my brother already knows (and has seen) my furry drawings cuz he keeps on saying to me “keep on drawing your dogs”, so he knows that I draw them, but I don’t think he knows the reason behind them. Oh well, as long as he doesn’t know much, I’m glad…

Secondly, I’m trying to vent art something… but I can’t much seeing that my mind is still set on the events. I’m trying my best to get over that but I just can’t let it go that easily!! It haunts me all the time… and well, seeing the submissions in FA just makes me jealous, pissed, sad, and reminds me of the EVERYTHING block I’m currently in… yeah, I have like 10 diary entries that I haven’t written like they should (only jotted down the events but no real description)…. and I have other work to do, but I can’t because of this crap.

Thirdly, I’m SUPER bored and out of it… yeah, I can’t do anything right now. I want to draw, write, walk, cub out, etc… and yet, I cannot. And school doesn’t start for another week!!! I’ve been on vacations –scratch that– I’ve been IN HELL for almost 4 months!!! I want to start already in order to not be bored and do something!! Mainly cuz I hate keep getting reminded of how useless I am right now by my mom… she doesn’t mean it the harsh way, but the actual definite way. I don’t do anything…

Ugh… I wish things were back to the way they were… but that will NEVER happen…

-_-

Dying, one day at a time

The other day, many things happened and my mom found out I was bi (I had to tell her). And well, she got sick from that, I got pissed and depressed like shit, and then I accepted that I have NO sexuality. That’s right, the love I felt towards men and women has NEVER been physical (no sex, no kissing, nothing). What I felt was a love as a great companion and perhaps family member… many men I love as a daddy, because the root of who I am, is that I been wanting a father all along. I have a dad, but he hates me, and I never had one in childhood, thus I am a babyfur, infantilist, etc.

Anyways, after days have passed by, things have gotten a bit normal, but now I am dying little by little, one day at a time. My mom wants me to accept Jesus and follow God, forcing me to go to church on Sunday and doing stuff I have stopped doing. But I just CAN’T!!!

Right now, since my brother was the one who made me go out and confess, I am doing something I had stopped doing too: I am becoming secretive once more. I have encrypted files, hidden folders and stuff, deleted from public view info and more. I am becoming once again a hidden-nursery baby. Why? Because I can’t express myself for the next 6 years.

So yeah, and now I fear that I can’t talk here anymore for I may be “monitored” as well… I don’t know who sees this, and I never will unless they tell me about it. So I can’t express myself here, and thus I must delete or return to draft all my other posts with some info of mine…

stupid, crazy days…

Another time I don’t update… sorry about that, but all this time it has been stupid, crazy and just… I duno!!! I’ll explain why…

Stupid

I’ve been feeling stupid and useless and like the worst friend ever lately. Mainly it’s because I feel that I keep letting them down!!! I have this story from Brandon that I really want to read and edit, this guide for many *BDLs to continue, a story for my friends to write, and notes and journals to read and reply from friends in FA!!!! However, I don’t do all that because… well, I DON’T KNOW!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!… Is it because I’m bored?? Because I feel sick (somehow)?? Because… WHY??!!!…
Also, I found out one of my friends is going to therapy for his diaper fetish… his parents forced him to go and for some reason, I feel that it’s my fault!!! I feel that it’s all my fault that he is going!!!
All I can say to you all is… I AM EVER SO SORRY!!! T-T

Crazy

I have been going out with friends lately (for once in my entire lifetime), having a nice time talking with them and having some coffee… and my mom now is suspicious of me!!! She is kinda onto me about my sexuality… she think that my friends (specifically 1 friend) is more than that… that he is my boyfriend!!! She actually thought I was gay, which, as you may know, it isn’t half wrong… I’m bi but more attracted to men than women. But how am I supposed to tell her that?!! I couldn’t possibly be able to!!! My friends, who are gay furries, would back me up if I need them… but I still don’t think I could tell her that any time soon. My plan is to tell her I’m bisexual either when I;m about to finish Systems, or when I already have a job… that way she can’t say that I won’t be able to succeed in life and I can get a place to stay in any worst case scenario.

And as for anything else… I duno… I’ve been getting sick lately… it’s not a cold or anything, but my freaking stomach!!! And I sometimes feel anxious and nauseous… crap…. and depression is kinda hitting me for some reason… maybe it’s because of the stuff I mentioned above and plus of not being able to tell my mom about myself. Having to hide everything from her… everything that is ME, she has NO clue about, or so I think.

I am not much of a coward (a little, yes) but it’s not that I am afraid of what they might do to me… they can lynch me for all I care. What I am afraid of is to hurt them VERY deeply by telling them just that I’m bi!!! I am afraid that they might feel so deeply ashamed of me that they might go into a deep depression and hatred. I don;t want anything to happen to them, but I also don’t feel right about hiding them this sole truth about me forever… I feel wrong in lying to them, in making them see a me that is a complete lie…

I need a hug
T-T