Category: School


So… back at it again?

So yeah… once again I am back at writing here… after a little over a year of no activity.

And why am I doing this again?? Well, believe it or not, I want to try something out and maybe even help someone in the future (if not myself). But lets first try to devide this post a bit in case anyone actually cares about what has been going on in the past year… (although I am quite certain nobody really cares except for like 1 or 2 people I know)…

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Yeah… its been EXTREMELY LONG LONG LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since i have written anything here… its not like anyone other than a couple of friends of mine reads it anyways, right??

but nonetheless (love those long words ^///^) im still alive here… just stressed from school, the heat of the weather… and you know, regular young-adult life drama and such…

recently i’ve read and learned more about computer viruses… its kinda fun!!! i really enjoyed learning about them!!! tho i duno why people would think they are horrible and what not… i mean sure, they suck that your data and stuff gets lost… but hey, look at it this way: a program isn’t autonomous (yet) and it does NOT make mistakes… WE make mistakes, as humans, but if the program has a vulnerability, then the virus exposes such vulnerability and thus…

soooo…. without viruses programs wouldnt have to update and get rewritten… cuz there would be no exploits and such… =P

wow… long time huh??

Yeah, long time I don’t write here… I blame school and some life problems…

Sooooo… let’s see…. I’ve been quite busy with school lately… yesterday I did about 20 integral problems and the day before I finished my calculator thingy for OOP. I also finished some accounting homework and well, it was boring all day yesterday… but it had to be done…

Anyways, my life has been quite dull recently… I had a fight with my brother (more like those stupid hand fights from cartoons) and it made me realize how tired I am of him… sure he “cares for me” (really freaking deep inside), but he still is an a-hole… I realize that if it weren’t for him some thing that were bad in my life would have never occurred… so yeah, I dislike him quite a lot and I am fed up with him, so no more helping him… yeah, he can manage on his own and so can I…

Other than that, I’ve been a bit depressed due to lack of free time, stress and some feelings I’ve been having… but I’m getting by in life just fine I think… nothing to be worried about… ^^

And as a final note, I’ve seen Yure and Roger draw their fursonas in cute light-green colored cloth diapers… this has made me want to wear one even more than before… especially those light-green ones!! I just keep wondering what it would feel like to wear a cloth diaper with velcro-tapes thingy… and to kinda satisfy that need, I might draw Childish  with one… but I’d still rather have one IRL… maybe one day… I already have seen some sites but their design are not really what I’m looking for… still, there is 1 or 2 sites that give me hope since they say “we make custom orders” and especially one that has a “celery” color (which I think it’s light-green enough)… hopefully one day I will buy one… or two!!!
^_^

PS: New avatar… drawing made by Roger!!

Random school update… =P

It’s been a while since I said anything about school… everything has been about how horrible things have been sometimes and how im dealing with life, but I never say much about school… well, until today… =P

I have realized this just today; for the first time in over a year, I actually feel happy with my school and even glad to go to class!!! Yeah!!! At first I felt a bit bad about leaving med school, but now, I can safely say that I made the right choice!! I’m doing very well and I’m liking it… my classes are Programing Basics, Administration Basics, Discrete Math, Ethics, Differential Calculus and Investigation Basics… oh yeah, and Cello!!

I am VERY good at programming (no boasting/bragging), and I’m enjoying it every day!! I also like calculus and even discrete math (tho the teacher goes funky at times) and I’m enjoying Cello class… as for Admin and others, im doing great, even tho they don’t raise my interests that much, I’m not failing any class!!!

Yep, this career is actually making me happy!! Best of all, not much stress to handle and NO HAVING TO MEMORIZE 4 CHAPTERS IN 1 NIGHT!!! Tho I keep waking up at 3:30am cuz it makes me awake… in med school, I found out that if I wake up with just enough time, I am still sleepy in class, while when I wake up with more than enough time (an hour or so) I don’t fall asleep in class at all!!! And I’m going to bed around 10:30 or 11pm… so around 5 hours isn’t so bad (when you compare it to only 2)!!!

^^_

Define Irony…

People can be very ironic without them intending to be… here is an example which suits the definition of irony:

School friends ask me “did you study?” and (even tho that’s ironic by itself) I say “not really, I don’t understand Histology at all”. So they say this to me “oh come one Juan!!! Histology is the easiest!!!”
Now here comes the ironic part of it: if Histology is SOOOO easy as they say it is, then how come they failed the last test she gave us? How come they have to study for HOURS without end for the Histology test if it’s SOOOO easy???

You know, my definition of easy when it comes to school is “you clearly understand the subject taught with little to no doubts and there is no real need to memorize or study so much”. Wouldn’t you agree? I mean, I find math easy, that means that I can understand math and I do NOT need to study for hours for a test because when you understand something very clearly, there is NO need to do so!!! You already understand it, so why study it if you know it already?

Sure some practice helps, but ask yourselves this: do you study what 2+2 is? Maybe if you are learning basic math yes, but if you already know what the answer is (fish), how and why you get that answer, do you need to study it for hours if the teacher is going to put a test on it? Seems ironic to me that you’d call that easy and have to study it for hours… and I would’ve loved to say that to them, but I can’t because I don’t want start any fights or arguments (they can be quite sensitive).

*sigh*
The world we live in is weird…

=P

Stalemate family…

So today, after I came home from school, I felt sad. I didn’t know why I was sad all the time at home, and then I asked my mom one thing and that pretty much answered everything. So now I see why my depression is existent only at home…

I asked her what my dad thought about the whole career situation, and she told me he supports me all the way but would love for me to talk to him whenever possible. And she also said, as a side note, that my brother was actually against my idea of switching. He apparently said that I am quitting because I didn’t like the memorization and such, but that systems is MUCH worse… mainly because we have to read this programming “bible” and it is a HUGE book (from what I recall him saying once), and we obviously have to memorize everything in it. And then I asked my mom what her side of the topic was and she told me she was unsure about it, she wasn’t for nor against it…

So, I have a family member on each side!!! 1 for, 1 against, and 1 indecisive… nice stalemate if you ask me… so that’s why I feel bad at home, because there is no real support from them right now… and so the only support I have is from my friends Brandon and Yure and from my “dad”… unfortunately, they aren’t here with me, so their support is long distance and still very appreciated… but yeah, I really don’t feel all that happy being in the house where I feel like a stranger for wanting to quit. Well, they aren’t hating me for it, but they have their opinion… so yeah…

And well, I feel that my mom wants me to stay, but she also wants me to be happy… but above all, she wants me to have a better relationship with God… and she is letting God decide my career future, pray for an answer, and I feel that I just can’t stand medicine no more… it is painfully boring, very stressful, uninteresting and just plain and simple: worthless to me…

-_-…

Bittersweet…

This lil victory of mine that is… the final decision was

Go on and sign up for the test… then we’ll see what happens

So this is how it all went down… my mom and I argued a bit, and of course God came into the talk… and we both based our arguments on God. After a while, she asked me to come to church with her, which I didn’t want to go, but I went anyways to get a chance to talk to her a bit more relaxed and easy going…

On our way to church (walking) I was able to give her my info and all that… we talked and I continued explaining why I didn’t wan to be in med school. She listened attentively to my every word and asked a few things here and there. Once in church, I kept talking to her about it and then got on with the church activities. I honestly thought the preaching was boring but well said (Psalms 33)… so it was just that the guy repeated the same things over and over for the older crowd to get the picture.

After church, I kinda had a small chat with a friend who had given up on medicine a long time ago… he wasn’t doing ANYTHING anymore; no studying, no job, nothing!! And I told my mom about him and said to her

That’s another thing that I am also at least thankful to God for, that I actually WANT to study another career. If I were to have said to you that I wanted to quit med school and not have given you another career option or a job, then I would have agreed with you completely if you were to have gotten mad at me and yelled at me.

Once home, we kept on talking a bit… and basically she isn’t worried about my career future, she is much more worried that I have lost my path with God. All she wants for me is to plead help from God, that’s it… it’s all faith in Him… but, I duno…
Look, I have NO inconvenience in talking to God, heck, I many times talk to Him when I walk to school (and btw, that’s prayer in reality, talking to God), but I don’t feel like I can really “deny” myself from many things.

That’s what I feel they (church and many Christians) want me to do… give up everything I think fun and change it to what they feel is correct… example, no more techno music cuz “it isn’t worshiping God in any way”. And they consider pawing “fornication” which I believe it to be wrong (and Yure has a great explanation about it)… I just can’t do that to myself, deny so many things from my life…

I think what I fear the most is that they tell me that being a furry is wrong and so is being an ABDL… I know they feel that being bi-curious is wrong, but what am I supposed to do? I know God can change me forever, but I don’t want to change cuz I love the way I am right now!! OK, maybe a few things here and there I dislike myself for, but seriously, I duno… so thinking right now about it, this is what I will do…

-As much as it pains me to do this, but I think that maybe going to the church my mom goes to wouldn’t be so bad… maybe not daily, but once a week won’t hurt anyone… I’ll start to go maybe once every 2 weeks, and I will tell my mom about that so she knows that I won’t go weekly just yet… the only reason I will do this is to hopefully have a bit more communication with God and to make my mom less worrisome of me… and I will NOT follow all their rules, I won’t prohibit myself from doing certain things (I find NOTHING wrong with Chiptune, pawing, diapers, MLP, etc.)…
-Maybe I will read the Bible once a week… maybe learn a few things from it like a few advices and such… it doesn’t hurt to take at least 15 minutes of my week to read something from the Bible I guess…
-Prayer will stay they way it is… I will talk to God the only way I know how… by talking… by myself… I won’t be kneeling much unless I really feel that I need to…

SO, that’s about it for the plan of my future as of now… I don’t want to upset my mom and God at the same time, so I will play along and see what happens… if I see that it really isn’t benefiting me in ANY way going to church, I will talk to my mom about it and will set my foot down about that. I am doing this for my mom’s sake and to maybe help myself with anything… and I do NOT want to get involved in anything in church, so no “youth group”, no “music group” none of that… I am too antisocial to even care about those groups… why can’t they understand this?

And sure, I’ll pray to God about the career, why not? Maybe some of His help could do a benefit in systems later on… and I will tell Him about my feelings (which he already obviously know) about med school… hopefully He will make my mom a little more happy with my decision…

And just to be clear… I WILL NOT CHANGE THE WAY I AM!!! I love myself too much to see myself change from a free thinker to a brainless church goer… ugh, I think I’d shoot myself if I were to become that… so do not worry, I will still have my open mind and still enjoy they things I enjoy… I won’t talk about God in all my conversations (sorry God) and I won’t try to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want… my opinions and advice will be based on my ideas mainly, rarely on my religious beliefs…

Did I win, lose, or is it a weird treaty where both sides felt they lost and nobody really won?

-_-…

Ready or not…

Here I come?… maybe? *sigh*

So far, I have gathered all the info I need to know about the career and the university (institute) that offers it. But I feel VERY nervous about telling my Mommy about it… duno why, I just am… it’s not like she will freak out or be surprised, but I fear she might get a little pissed off for planning this out? Or for wanting to quit the entire medical branch? I duno…

I have decided to try to tell her before this month ends, so that way I have the entire upcoming month to gather all the documents necessary to actually resign from med school and go for the other school. I don’t think I’ll need much from med school, just my papers back (high school accrediting and birth certificate) and a few other things that say “I was here, and I called it quits” including my grades with credits earned and the certificate of incomplete. That will most likely cost some money (since everything costs money here, even to get my papers back) but not so much I hope.
Another thing I have yet to find out (which I hope to find out today) is the scholarship I have… what will happen or what must I do? I mean, if they say that I have the scholarship for the entire year and that I can cash it  no matter if I quit or not, then I have NO problem at all ^_^!! But I must see if I have to sign something or do something to tell them I’m not in med school anymore and the scholarship is just for that. Will have to see who to contact about that…

Anyways, I have sorta written a few small texts where I state  y reasoning on why leave med school, the pros and cons of it and more… I am doing this so I do NOT chicken out of this (which I am starting to think that will never happen cuz I feel more degraded in med school as of today) and so I am confident on what I will tell my Mommy about… I don’t think I’ll make it public to the rest of the family cuz I don’t want for them to be yelling and such, nor to my friends at school cuz they will tell me a bunch of things to get me to stay, but I will tell them eventually. Not even planning on telling my tutor about this cuz I don’t want for him to be telling me to think it over and such… I HAVE thought it over for a whole year, and it is crystal clear that I WANT to QUIT…

I think I will tell her sometime Friday while we are both alone in the morning. I want to tell her alone so there are no 2nd opinions or anything of that matter… and she has the whole day to think it through as well… *sigh* wish me luck!!!

-_-…

EDIT

I found out about the scholarships already… it seems that I am able to keep it even if I change careers! I don’t know how to communicate with the scholarship’s committee to tell them I want to suspend it (cuz that’s what I must do), after they will write to me wanting a more detailed scope of the suspension. I will give them my reasons for leaving med school for another school, and then they will send me another notice with their final decision. Not very complicated I think, but still, I need to find a way to tell them first. I need a bit more info on the “when to tell them”…

=P

EDIT… AGAIN!!!

FUCK!!! I think I just fucked it up pretty damn badly… my Mom and I got into an argument and I just blurted out a bit of the “I have decided to leave med school” without anything to back myself with… TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!!! She got pissed and said “then I’ll take away everything from you and you will go look for a job selling gum or whatever”… and so on… fuck…. I will now wait for her to calm down a bit and then I will talk to her clearly and slowly with all the info I have gathered… hopefully she will understand me, but if not… oh… I duno what to do now!!! …
in the worst case scenario and if ALL goes bad, I will have to quit med school, get into systems on my own, try to look for a job and pay for it myself somehow… I can manage with the test payment, I have enough from the scholarship, and the books I have I can sell as well… but getting a job and studying is VERY tough around here, especially since jobs here require full time (working about 12hrs a day) and aren’t so flexible for students… I just hope it doesn’t go that far…

I will make an update on what went on and how everything is going to work out… shit… and I’m sorry about the bad language, but I just have no clean words to describe what I’m feeling right now…
So right now it is waiting and working meanwhile she “cools off” and allows me to get my thoughts straight… actually she isn’t that pissed, she’s just a little ticked at the bursting-out-like-that announcement… I didn’t even tell her I want to go to systems, so she has the thought I want to leave school for good, which is the exact OPPOSITE of what I want/intend to do…

T-T

A sign from God?

For those of you who don’t believe in God, I won’t judge you or try to convince you that He does exists… faith and belief in Him is personal, so no forcing anyone into anything from me. And I am of NO religion, I don’t want to be in one and I don’t like them… so I choose to believe in God and His Son, and I try to do what I think it’s correct and live my life accordingly…

With that said, I just want to say that I think quitting is a sign from God. I don’t know why, but seeing how everything is turning out, I am feeling that He wants me to go to another career that isn’t in the medical field.

A little background:
My family being Christian, they always left to God everything, and becoming a doctor was one of those decisions. We always said “if God wants it, I will become a doctor” but what if He didn’t want me to be a doctor? And so, I got into med school and then I struggled and etc.

Today, just recently, I was doing more research about computer systems engineering, and I was looking for other institutions for it… however, I have found only 1 that is a public institution and is VERY close to home (about 20 minutes walk). I already knew of that one, but I kept hearing bad stuff about it… how bad can it be? I mean, people graduate and can become something of themselves once they get out of there.
And well, all this time I was thinking that I would have to take an entire year off from school and go for my new career the following year, thus making myself look for a job in the meanwhile. I kept thinking what job openings were there for people with my education level (high school). Until I found something out that made me say “Holy… are you kidding me??!!!”
I looked into the admission test I would have to take to get in. I saw it on the page of the institution and saw “Periodo Agosto-Diciembre 2012” (which translates to “August-December 2012 Period”) and read the pdf they had. As I read on, I saw the test registration/taking date and was amazed by it!!!

Test registration: March 26, 2012 – May 30, 2012
Test execution:
June 08, 2012
Results:
July 5, 2012

All I could really say was that this may be a sign from God. I remember that many times the test registration date was from mid February till late April, but not this time!!! So that means, I have time to register for the test, pay for it, take it and (God willingly) I pass it and enroll in my career, I wouldn’t miss a single day of school!!! WOW!!! You should see my the grin on my face… ^_^

So, the plan is a bit simple yet complicated. I shall first get a bit more info on the career (what they do, etc), tell my Mom about it before May 30th, sign up for the test and get all documents ready, unregister in med school, study for the test, and then take the test.
The only problem I have right now is: How do I approach my Mom about the plan? Should I just blurt it out (maybe not), tell her calmly, give her the info all nicely organized for her to read and tell her calmly, or just not tell her until I finally register?

Umm… the 3rd option seems more appropriate, and I must be very straight forward and not doubt about it. I will have to make a document listing all the reasons, pros/cons, etc. of leaving med school. So, off I go to do that!!

*crinkle hugs and licks*
=P

Final decision…

This is my final decision about careers… I really couldn’t have come to this without the advice from both my best friends Yure and Brandon, so thank you both very much in advance!!!

Thinking VERY thoroughly , I AM hurting myself quite deeply by staying in medicine… I am stressed out all the time, I can’t be happy with what I am doing, I can’t enjoy free time cuz I “have to study” even though I never study at all, I am failing classes and tests, I am not working at all, I am not interested… etc…

Now, I can’t predict the future, and I can’t re-live my past (even though we are literally living in the past)*… so, I don’t know how med school would be in the next semester, and I don’t know how I would do… will it get better like everyone says? will I start liking it? will I be better in it?…
But seeing how I am doing right now, how my interest for it has almost disappeared completely, and how stressed I am and unable to find happiness in it… it aint worth it… nothing about that is worth it… my biggest fear would be to become the doctor I never wanted to be, one that barely knows what they’re doing, kills their patients with his ignorance, and is just plain mediocre and hated by everyone…

I would do everyone (myself, my family and society in general) a favor by removing myself from this career… I am not capable of competing against those who DO seem interested, those who DO care and are PASSIONATE and CAN handle such pressures… I know I am NOT a failure, I know that I AM CAPABLE of success, CAPABLE of doing something of myself…

So, my final decision is: I shall quit med school after this semester ends in June and go for computer system engineering whenever possible

I have this feeling, yes, this feeling that tells me “Juan, why not keep going? Just try harder, stop playing games, stop fooling around and just work”… but, how could I work when I am NOT interested in the classes I have? How can I go on and pretend that I am following my dream career??

Like Brandon said to me

But I highly encourage you to go after what it is you really want.
What makes you happy all the time?
What do like to do to have fun?
Can you make living doing that?
If so, just go after.
For the last question, the answer is NO, I don’t see myself become a doctor and doing this every day for a living… I just can’t….
As for the feeling, Yure told me
You ignore the feeling and take the rational decision without doubt. I had to do that several times in the past and it wasn’t easy. Everytime I feel that I did the wrong choice, I seek a reason in the feeling. Turns out that it has no reason to be, so it needs to be ignored. I was faced with hard decisions in the past […] I felt that I was doing the wrong thing, but I knew I wasn’t. Between my reason and my heart, I pick the first, close my eyes and press the button. If it was really a rational choice, I won’t regret.
So it is basically final, I just need to put it in action. I have narrowed down the campus to just one cuz the others I have seen right now are private universities, and they cost TONS of money (about $80,000 per semester I think for one) and the government one is MUCH more manageable than the others money wise… and getting a scholarship would help lots…
Why stay till the end of this semester? Well, I am that close to finishing, just one more  month of classes since June is all tests… and so that way, this feeling I am battling with will be more at ease… I would be able to satisfy myself with this last month, enjoy the last moments with a few friends, and if I happen to fail, well, I won’t worry about it.
Next in the agenda would be:
  1. To search about the school (when and how to register, stuff I need, transfer papers, other choices of schools near my home city)…
  2. Telling my mom about me quitting (I need the first one done though, that way she won’t be worried)… then to get everything ready for quitting med school (getting all my documents like birth certificate and such)…
  3. Make a small plan on what to do if I must wait an entire year to get into systems (hopefully get a job so I don’t become a bum and do nothing for an entire year)…
  4. I duno, maybe sell a few books and dealing with all the deception in my family (I will tell them how I feel and that I don’t care about what they wanted for me to become, it is what I want to become that matters)…
The only problem right now that could probably ruin this out would be that I “pussy” out… I have done that in the past with other decisions I have made, and I hope it doesn’t happen with this one… I’m almost sure I won’t but you never know…
Somehow, I feel like something that was very heavy on my chest just lifted away… somehow I feel better… *sighs of relaxation*
^_^