I know, I know… it’s been a bit long since my last write in here… but it’s not that I’ve been busy, it’s more cuz I have been 1) too damn lazy and 2) like Yure said, “I’m unmotivated/uninterested”…

As much as I hate it, I feel that it’s true… I stopped caring about many things… I tried drawing a few days back and I couldn’t do it!!! I tried drawing like I used to, tried drawing Childish again, but when I tried, it came out all wrong… I haven’t written anything in my journals since last month, so I now have around 2 month’s worth of journals to write into… I haven’t written anything in my story and my guide… and what’s worse, I feel crappy…

Remember that time where I felt that I was losing my ABDL side?? Well, it’s happening again… and this time it’s not cuz of not time, but because of what happened that August 13th… yes, even after almost 2 months passed, I still have the effects from it, but now I’m wondering, who is to blame for this??
I blame myself for putting up too much info in public places, and I also blame my brother for beings such a f-ing a-hole to have rated me out… but why did I “try to change”??? It was because of my mom, but I actually told them that day “I can’t promise anything for I know that anything I say won’t be true from the heart because I feel that I did nothing wrong!”. So, why do I have the feeling???

My guess here is that I feel this way because in my mind, I thought that my mom could have understood me and I also had the idea of “if she truly loves me, she’ll try to accept me for who I am”… but sadly, the answer was the exact OPPOSITE… so now I know this from her: she loves me, but is more into her religious views and closed mind that she won’t accept me for who I am… EVER!!! She will NEVER accept me as her son the way I truly am… so I decided to keep away from her and never tell her anything about me, only what I think she must know (health issues, certain problems, etc)…

That’s my guess for all this… this feeling of  “saudade”… *sigh* I miss everything in my life…

T-T

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