Archive for October, 2012


THIS MUST END!!!

That’s it… I’m tired and sick about it… it MUST END!!!

Yes, PROCRASTINATION MUST END!!!! I can’t sit back and do nothing anymore… its too much and I do NOTHING… so NOTHING gets done… and well, I am now in the process of finishing all that I started and never really got to finish…

For starters, I am completing my diary entries that I never really got to finish… it’s a bit like cheating, yes, but I wrote little notes down saying what I did on that day… why am I doing that? Cuz I kinda want to… it will be like a small autobiography on my life… so far, I have 386 entries, meaning 386 days has passed since the fire nation attacked I wrote my first entry… a LOT has changed…

Second, I shall continue writing my guide… it’s been on a HUGE standby now and it needs to be finished… sure, I have no rush and nobody really NEEDs it right now… but the sooner I finish, the better I shall be able to feel much better about it… but that will take a while to finish the way I want it to finish…. =P

Then, I must finish reading some stuff I need to really read!!! There is the fan-fic from Brandon… “The Hunger Games” book I bought and barely started to read… and some stories from Yure in FA and his blog…

Lastly, I need to finish the 100-themes challenge!!! But I must first start to draw anything cuz I’m really just out of it… I tried drawing somthing and failed… so that really sucks… I need to do my practice sketches, get in a bad/sad mood and draw that emotion…

Yeah, that’s kinda what I need to do… unfortunately, it’s easier said than done… and if you’ve noticed, I didn’t say anything about the story I’m making (The Specialists) cuz I’m not sure if I will continue it or scrap it… it all depends on the rest…

*sigh*
Lots of work for me… but I WANT to do it… =P

Procrastination sucks… -_-

I know, I know… it’s been a bit long since my last write in here… but it’s not that I’ve been busy, it’s more cuz I have been 1) too damn lazy and 2) like Yure said, “I’m unmotivated/uninterested”…

As much as I hate it, I feel that it’s true… I stopped caring about many things… I tried drawing a few days back and I couldn’t do it!!! I tried drawing like I used to, tried drawing Childish again, but when I tried, it came out all wrong… I haven’t written anything in my journals since last month, so I now have around 2 month’s worth of journals to write into… I haven’t written anything in my story and my guide… and what’s worse, I feel crappy…

Remember that time where I felt that I was losing my ABDL side?? Well, it’s happening again… and this time it’s not cuz of not time, but because of what happened that August 13th… yes, even after almost 2 months passed, I still have the effects from it, but now I’m wondering, who is to blame for this??
I blame myself for putting up too much info in public places, and I also blame my brother for beings such a f-ing a-hole to have rated me out… but why did I “try to change”??? It was because of my mom, but I actually told them that day “I can’t promise anything for I know that anything I say won’t be true from the heart because I feel that I did nothing wrong!”. So, why do I have the feeling???

My guess here is that I feel this way because in my mind, I thought that my mom could have understood me and I also had the idea of “if she truly loves me, she’ll try to accept me for who I am”… but sadly, the answer was the exact OPPOSITE… so now I know this from her: she loves me, but is more into her religious views and closed mind that she won’t accept me for who I am… EVER!!! She will NEVER accept me as her son the way I truly am… so I decided to keep away from her and never tell her anything about me, only what I think she must know (health issues, certain problems, etc)…

That’s my guess for all this… this feeling of  “saudade”… *sigh* I miss everything in my life…

T-T