Another time I don’t update… sorry about that, but all this time it has been stupid, crazy and just… I duno!!! I’ll explain why…

Stupid

I’ve been feeling stupid and useless and like the worst friend ever lately. Mainly it’s because I feel that I keep letting them down!!! I have this story from Brandon that I really want to read and edit, this guide for many *BDLs to continue, a story for my friends to write, and notes and journals to read and reply from friends in FA!!!! However, I don’t do all that because… well, I DON’T KNOW!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!… Is it because I’m bored?? Because I feel sick (somehow)?? Because… WHY??!!!…
Also, I found out one of my friends is going to therapy for his diaper fetish… his parents forced him to go and for some reason, I feel that it’s my fault!!! I feel that it’s all my fault that he is going!!!
All I can say to you all is… I AM EVER SO SORRY!!! T-T

Crazy

I have been going out with friends lately (for once in my entire lifetime), having a nice time talking with them and having some coffee… and my mom now is suspicious of me!!! She is kinda onto me about my sexuality… she think that my friends (specifically 1 friend) is more than that… that he is my boyfriend!!! She actually thought I was gay, which, as you may know, it isn’t half wrong… I’m bi but more attracted to men than women. But how am I supposed to tell her that?!! I couldn’t possibly be able to!!! My friends, who are gay furries, would back me up if I need them… but I still don’t think I could tell her that any time soon. My plan is to tell her I’m bisexual either when I;m about to finish Systems, or when I already have a job… that way she can’t say that I won’t be able to succeed in life and I can get a place to stay in any worst case scenario.

And as for anything else… I duno… I’ve been getting sick lately… it’s not a cold or anything, but my freaking stomach!!! And I sometimes feel anxious and nauseous… crap…. and depression is kinda hitting me for some reason… maybe it’s because of the stuff I mentioned above and plus of not being able to tell my mom about myself. Having to hide everything from her… everything that is ME, she has NO clue about, or so I think.

I am not much of a coward (a little, yes) but it’s not that I am afraid of what they might do to me… they can lynch me for all I care. What I am afraid of is to hurt them VERY deeply by telling them just that I’m bi!!! I am afraid that they might feel so deeply ashamed of me that they might go into a deep depression and hatred. I don;t want anything to happen to them, but I also don’t feel right about hiding them this sole truth about me forever… I feel wrong in lying to them, in making them see a me that is a complete lie…

I need a hug
T-T

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