Archive for August, 2012


I can now say that August was OFFICIALLY the WORST MONTH this year so far… trust me, July did NOT compare to the HELL I went through this month… but am I so damn glad it’s almost over…

Anyways, all of this can be backed up by the fact that I have NOT written anything in my diaries since the beginning of the month… all I write is quick notes for later such as “morning stuff, RP, etc”… why? Cuz all of this has been killing me slowly and daily… but now, I’m going to start school tomorrow the 27th and I’m hoping this will take my mind off of all this sh*t that I have to live through… and I must thank all my friends cuz if it weren’t have been for them, I would have gone insane and probably still be VERY depressed by it…

SO, what will happen this next month??? Aside from school, ummm… well, I shall resume my regular activities and try to forget the whole thing… and I want to make a resolution to finish with editing Brandon’s story, writing the guide, continuing my story, and drawing more about the challenge… but I know that if I do that, it’s basically a guarantee that I WON’T accomplish it… I duno why, but that’s how I work…

Well, I’m just hoping now for the best… and with Oreo in our family now, I hope for the best for both of us… yeah, he’s such a cute lil puppy, but I must train him lots… =P

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More b*tching… sorry…

Sorry about this… I know I have been b*tching a lot lately, but I kinda have no other way to let out some of these feelings, and even though I’m writing them in my diaries, I still can’t get them out of my system.

First of all, my family is laying off a bit… they are still complaining at me about some things, but they aren’t looking through my stuff at all (so they won’t look at my hidden stuff)… however, my brother already knows (and has seen) my furry drawings cuz he keeps on saying to me “keep on drawing your dogs”, so he knows that I draw them, but I don’t think he knows the reason behind them. Oh well, as long as he doesn’t know much, I’m glad…

Secondly, I’m trying to vent art something… but I can’t much seeing that my mind is still set on the events. I’m trying my best to get over that but I just can’t let it go that easily!! It haunts me all the time… and well, seeing the submissions in FA just makes me jealous, pissed, sad, and reminds me of the EVERYTHING block I’m currently in… yeah, I have like 10 diary entries that I haven’t written like they should (only jotted down the events but no real description)…. and I have other work to do, but I can’t because of this crap.

Thirdly, I’m SUPER bored and out of it… yeah, I can’t do anything right now. I want to draw, write, walk, cub out, etc… and yet, I cannot. And school doesn’t start for another week!!! I’ve been on vacations –scratch that– I’ve been IN HELL for almost 4 months!!! I want to start already in order to not be bored and do something!! Mainly cuz I hate keep getting reminded of how useless I am right now by my mom… she doesn’t mean it the harsh way, but the actual definite way. I don’t do anything…

Ugh… I wish things were back to the way they were… but that will NEVER happen…

-_-

Dying, one day at a time

The other day, many things happened and my mom found out I was bi (I had to tell her). And well, she got sick from that, I got pissed and depressed like shit, and then I accepted that I have NO sexuality. That’s right, the love I felt towards men and women has NEVER been physical (no sex, no kissing, nothing). What I felt was a love as a great companion and perhaps family member… many men I love as a daddy, because the root of who I am, is that I been wanting a father all along. I have a dad, but he hates me, and I never had one in childhood, thus I am a babyfur, infantilist, etc.

Anyways, after days have passed by, things have gotten a bit normal, but now I am dying little by little, one day at a time. My mom wants me to accept Jesus and follow God, forcing me to go to church on Sunday and doing stuff I have stopped doing. But I just CAN’T!!!

Right now, since my brother was the one who made me go out and confess, I am doing something I had stopped doing too: I am becoming secretive once more. I have encrypted files, hidden folders and stuff, deleted from public view info and more. I am becoming once again a hidden-nursery baby. Why? Because I can’t express myself for the next 6 years.

So yeah, and now I fear that I can’t talk here anymore for I may be “monitored” as well… I don’t know who sees this, and I never will unless they tell me about it. So I can’t express myself here, and thus I must delete or return to draft all my other posts with some info of mine…

stupid, crazy days…

Another time I don’t update… sorry about that, but all this time it has been stupid, crazy and just… I duno!!! I’ll explain why…

Stupid

I’ve been feeling stupid and useless and like the worst friend ever lately. Mainly it’s because I feel that I keep letting them down!!! I have this story from Brandon that I really want to read and edit, this guide for many *BDLs to continue, a story for my friends to write, and notes and journals to read and reply from friends in FA!!!! However, I don’t do all that because… well, I DON’T KNOW!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!… Is it because I’m bored?? Because I feel sick (somehow)?? Because… WHY??!!!…
Also, I found out one of my friends is going to therapy for his diaper fetish… his parents forced him to go and for some reason, I feel that it’s my fault!!! I feel that it’s all my fault that he is going!!!
All I can say to you all is… I AM EVER SO SORRY!!! T-T

Crazy

I have been going out with friends lately (for once in my entire lifetime), having a nice time talking with them and having some coffee… and my mom now is suspicious of me!!! She is kinda onto me about my sexuality… she think that my friends (specifically 1 friend) is more than that… that he is my boyfriend!!! She actually thought I was gay, which, as you may know, it isn’t half wrong… I’m bi but more attracted to men than women. But how am I supposed to tell her that?!! I couldn’t possibly be able to!!! My friends, who are gay furries, would back me up if I need them… but I still don’t think I could tell her that any time soon. My plan is to tell her I’m bisexual either when I;m about to finish Systems, or when I already have a job… that way she can’t say that I won’t be able to succeed in life and I can get a place to stay in any worst case scenario.

And as for anything else… I duno… I’ve been getting sick lately… it’s not a cold or anything, but my freaking stomach!!! And I sometimes feel anxious and nauseous… crap…. and depression is kinda hitting me for some reason… maybe it’s because of the stuff I mentioned above and plus of not being able to tell my mom about myself. Having to hide everything from her… everything that is ME, she has NO clue about, or so I think.

I am not much of a coward (a little, yes) but it’s not that I am afraid of what they might do to me… they can lynch me for all I care. What I am afraid of is to hurt them VERY deeply by telling them just that I’m bi!!! I am afraid that they might feel so deeply ashamed of me that they might go into a deep depression and hatred. I don;t want anything to happen to them, but I also don’t feel right about hiding them this sole truth about me forever… I feel wrong in lying to them, in making them see a me that is a complete lie…

I need a hug
T-T