Archive for July, 2012

Jealousy… depression… stuff…

I think that during all this year, July must be the WORST month so far… I shall explain in a few moments why. I mean, I would have said January, but that was the month I came to terms with myself with the help of Yure. February was another month I didn’t like much, but I can’t complain about it either. March was boredom, and May was deception because of med school. June was a great month thanks to the cubing out, my friend’s b-day and mine too.

First off, it has been, like Pinkie Pie would put it, BOOOOORING!!! Nothing new and nothing good to do around here since I have nothing… seriously, I would love to do something like work and get paid!!! But no, i have NO job and nothing to kill time… even walking is SOOOO boring since my city is a bit small and VERY boring.

Anyways, the boredom has been later combined with jealousy and depression. I am jealous that my art skills are shit while others are much better… but this is making me try harder in drawing than hating them. However, I am very jealous (almost envious) at some artist’s stats in FA!!! I mean, I have been in FA for a year tho just recently uploading art and stuff (since March or so)… and well, I have less than 60 watchers and less than 200 favs. And yet, I see that some are quite new, have uploaded very little art and yet they have over 70 watchers, and 400+ favs!!!! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!! And not only am I jealous of their stats, I am also jealous of their lives right now, cuz their moms KNOW AND ACCEPT THEIR INFANTILISM and they both buy diapers for them. One of them is even getting cushies and a sleeper, and his mom even babies him!!!!!! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

But should I be jealous of them for their stats?? I have some reasons at how they got them…
1) They got their watchers by friends help and social networking (which I don’t really do)…
2) They got their favs and some watchers thanks to their requests by other artists (which I also don’t do)…

I just duno… and also, they can draw much better than me, so that should also be added there. One can even do digital much more like a pro!!! And me? I just draw shit, digitalize like crap and don’t say a word except for happy and congratulatory words to them. Yeah, I keep my anger-jealousy with me and don’t say a word.

And should I even be jealous of their lifestyles? I can’t complain much about it too much for the following:
1) I can buy diapers by myself, which they still can’t. Only problem is, as always, money, hiding them and disposal.
2) Even if my mom is too religious and closed minded, she still loves me very much.
3) I have dealt with many life problems on my own, and they will face them with my help and from others, thus you could say I am a bit “stronger” than they are in that aspect.
4) No matter what, they are still my best friends!!!

And I’m guessing that’s where the depression is from. Funny how this is the 2nd time I realize (or conclude) something by writing in my blog… but yeah, I think my depression is from feeling worthless, and doing nothing adds to the feeling so much more. I just feel that I’m too worthless to even do anything… that my life isn’t worth shit…

However, I can’t just stop here. My art sucks (to my perspective) and it will keep sucking unless I keep going. The only way to actually get better at this is to draw, draw and draw!! Ranting about it will solve NOTHING, and yelling at people won’t do anything either. I know I’m not worthless because my friends remind me every single day of that… I have been able to help them all in any way, and they always remind me that I am worth something in this world, even if they don’t literally say it. Also, why would I want so many watchers or favs??? What’s the point in being popular???


*super crinklehuggles all of you*

I love you guys!!! VERY MUCH!!!

It has been almost a month since my last post… I feel that I have been TOOO lazy all this past month… and I apologize about that. So much has been going on with me right now, and I just didn’t have the mood to write here (heck, even my diaries have been blank for days!!)… So this time, I will try to get back into things…

I was able to finally quit med school and say goodbye to the principal and academic secretary too… they respect my choice. I have yet to sell my med books, but people won’t buy them!!! I have only sold 1 book!!! -_-
As for systems engineering, I GOT IN!!! Just saw the scores a few days ago and I passed in 16th place (out of 206 who passed), and that also means I don’t have to take the extra classes for physics and calculus (which I would have loved). So yeah, I must sign up later in August…

Family Life:
Many ups and downs… the major one was the VISA one… but we got over that and been able to live our lives better right now. Mom is looking for a job, and I wish I had a job too. Many things have been going on with my family, even my b-day, which was an AMAZING day for me (will proly post my diary of it so you can see what I mean). And lately, nothing much has been going on.

My Life:
Been mood swinging lots… kinda like my PHS, but there isn’t a holiday near… I duno why… perhaps it’s my jealousy towards others, but the good thing was that I can make good vent art in FA… made one that I really loved and put it up in FA… yeah…

That’s it for now… I don’t wana bore anyone at all with my rants and such… will write other stuff some other time…