Archive for May, 2012


last week of school ^^_

YAY!!! NO MORE SCHOOL!!! … cept for tests… -_-… and this week has been quite mood-swingy like… I think it’s been fun and weird for me… you be the judge…

So, to start off, yes, this WAS my last week of school… I only have the finals to work on now, but seeing that I never studied, I don’t care and I pretty much just lost all interest in med school, I think I’m going to fail most of them if not all… why go then? Just to finish this semester and get it over with… the only test I WILL study for is the admission exam for Systems Engineering (coming this 8th).
The school psychologist is plain boring… all she did was make me takes these stupid personality tests and thats it… but I won’t get to see them cuz I won’t go back to her office again… (lol)

Life:
It has been awkward for me… it went from sadness, to ENVY, to anxiety, and then happy… and at the moment painful. Sadness cuz I’m bored and I can’t do much about it. I want to draw but I kinda suck at it anyways… *sigh* I need to do something… and I had envy at this furry kid in FA (Ven) cuz he has the TB life I ONLY DREAMED OF come to life… I would post his journal link here, but I duno… I don’t like doing that much without permission, cuz it feels like I might be getting them in trouble… so instead I’ll post his journal without linking… JUST REMEMBER THIS ISN’T MY LIFE!!! (though I wish it were) T-T

So I went to bed padded… as usual how ever i woke up to my mom sitting on the side of my bed stroking my head and patting my wet diaper (i don’t know why i started wetting the bed again). So i look at my diaper and it was a dark yellow color! so then i acted angry and blusher A LOT! Then she said “he’s back!” And i asked “who?” Then she said “…. My baby.” then she kissed me on the head and gave me a big hug! Then she handed me a pic she got of me and it said “before” and it showed a pic of me as a baby. Then it said “after” and showed a pic of me that night! It had me snuggling my plushie, in my wet diaper and t shirt. Then on the bottom it said ” can you see the difference? I can’t! =P So thats when i think i turned a completely new shade of red! Then she said it time to get up my little crinklebutt! So yeah I’m still trying to comprehend all of this!

Well, with that little journal I got OVERLY pissed at his life and mine… but after talking it out to myself in a recorded journal (just recording myself with my phone), I was able to get rid of all the jealousy (felt something lifted off of me, no kidding) and replace it with err.. love?… I duno… I mean, after that I read this and all I can say is “AAWWWW!!!” and “THAT’S SOOOOOO CUTE!!!”… sure, I still wish that were my life, but not feeling hatred towards him…

Anyways… I also got  anxious about a job cuz I might be able to get in!!! It’s a ummm… cybercafe? duno what you would call it in English… it’s a place with many computers where you can use one for whatever… but they also have a department of computer maintenance of a somwhat big movie theater and other companies… and they employer (seeing I want to switch careers) said I would start in the cyber and then he would transition me to the systems… so I hope I get in, and best of all, it’s VERY close to my house, like 3 minutes away walking… I’ll know what happens next week…

And now I’m in a bit of pain cuz the last 2 wisdom teeth where pulled out today… so it hurts a bit yes, but I won’t have any problem with them anymore… so that’s ummm… better? And also, I got this amazing gift art by rogerwolf92 from FA… it’s awesome!!! and I obtained permission to use the colors he used with my fursona as my own… so now “childish” has colors!!! and the shape I plan on making it in reference to Yure’s drawing…

^^_

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1 week left… update…

Oh boy!!! *sigh* well, I only have 1 week left of real school, then it’s finals for all month long… yeah, June finals… I have like 4, one starting this week though…

School:
Boring, boring, boring… OK, I might have not said this before, but since I don’t give a flying F for them, I started to skip some of them… or have I said that before?… wait… *checks older posts*… oops!! I have, sorry ^_^
Well… it’s been VERY boring lately in there… I do nothing fun and really nothing worth my time… and I dislike going to the psychologist, but I think I can make it so tomorrow monday is my last visit with her. I finally found out WHY my interest plummeted to the ground for med school: I am disappointed!!! Not with myself, but with the school system….

So, the other night I had a small argument with my mom, and we talked about me and med school yet again. And we came to the conclusion that I still love med school, but that I am disappointed in the way they teach it here in Mexico, and thanks to that my interest just died. Perhaps, if it were taught in a different way (where learning was what matters most and not the grade) then maybe I would still be enjoying it. But no, it is not that way at all in almost any place. So, I prefer to just quit med school and go for a career where, even though it is the same type of system where only the grade matters, I can actually LEARN something and even UNDERSTAND it with less difficulty. For some reason, computers have been quite better for me to understand, and so is math; thus I say the following:

Staying in med school, passing with the lowest passing grade possible, and becoming a mediocre doctor is not what I want. I prefer to quit and go for something I know I am better at understanding and learning than becoming something I am NOT and actually doing more harm than good in society. I rather be able to break a computer and replace it somehow, than leave an empty, dark and bottomless pit in someone’s heart by taking the life away of someone they loved thanks to my ignorance.

And so, my decision. I want to talk to the principal and the psychologist about this feeling, and I proly will. So there we go…

Life:
Aside from the unexpected surprise, I had more unexpected surprises… well, it was really just one today, but I still love it. A great friend of mine from FA (roger) has made a gift art for Yure, Ryan and me… I was SHOCKED to see it cuz I never had it coming!!! IT WAS IS AMAZING!!!!! I LUV IT!!!! Here is the pic… if you have an FA account, I’d encourage you to fave it and give him som luv ^^

And ummm…. yeah, that’s kinda it… lots of stuff going on in life with me… my b-day is nearing (not good) but something is also nearing… delivery date!!! Of what? Oh nothing especial… just A NEW DOG NAME TAG FOR MY COLLAR!!!! yeah, had it ordered yesterday and it will be here in about 25 to 30 days, so maybe I’ll be able to obtain it on my b-day… =P

And lastly… I HAVE TOO MANY ACCOUNTS EVERYWHERE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT EMAIL THEY ARE ATTACHED TO OR WHAT THEY ARE!!!!… I have a small file with the accounts and the emails I used for them, but it’s a bit out of date, and I really need time to update ALL of them accounts… at least log in and say something so people know I’m still alive… thing is, I actually use FA the most. That and FB, but eh… I prefer FA, but I also like the other sites like DA, BFME, FMX, IB, SF, etc…

=P

Unexpected surprise?

Well… today I was surprised by my mom’s reaction. But I guess I should first post about the whole situation…

On Sunday, I went out to the mall with my cousin, and I went there to buy myself a doggy collar… yes, I wanted one for quite some time, and since my grandma has given my my birthday present earlier, I finally could buy it. And so, once at the pet store, we looked at some collars and I found one that I liked very much: a blue nylon collar with a nice belt buckle. No design, no fancy shmancy stuff like spikes or fur… just plain soft nylon. I took that one, and I was also going to get the name tag for it, but seeing that they had made it “formatted” (they have the format already, you just change little info), I duno if I can actually get it there. I want a name tag that says:

Front:
1childish1

Back:
fox-wolf puppy
age: 4
“proud padded pup”
=P

But nevertheless, I bought the collar, and here is me wearing it for the first time!!

And well, I loved it very much!!! It feels nice and comfy, doesn’t itch or anything and I loved the color!!! ^_^

However, The problem began once home, wearing the collar still. My mom saw me and was pissed about it. She didn’t like it, but I didn’t care much. The next day after school, I am told by her that EVERYONE (except my cousin of course) disliked me wearing a dog collar on my neck. And there was a huge argument about it, too long to discuss here… and in the end, they hated me and I kept on being myself, tho I hid from them to not hurt them.

But today, I come home and the house was empty. And after a while, my mom arrives and she says to me

I want to apologize and thank you. Apologize because I have been bad to you this whole time, and thank you because you have been sincere. And well, I just want to say that you’re right, and to please be careful with whatever you do. With school, well it isn’t a problem and it will be whatever God decides, but I hope you can finish it.
I told [your dad] about it and he said ‘That’s good, right?’ And I was like: what?! ‘Well yes, there’s nothing wrong with it! As long as it isn’t drugs or alcohol, there is no problem!’. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman…

HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!! Being told that I was right and she was wrong, and it was all because I was being honest with her… and I am!! I told her clearly that it wasn’t bad and that it is my taste in clothing and articles… and well, I am now “allowed” to wear it, but I have decided not to do so while around the family. Why? So I don’t embarrass them in any way, or make them feel ashamed, etc. It is for their sake, not mine, cuz if they didn’t mind at all, I would wear it almost every day ^_^

And so, that was somewhat unexpected from her… I did expect some sort of closure talk, but not very sure how it was going to end. And well, I am now happier than when I was, knowing my mom isn’t pissed at me anymore and that I have support from my dad!!

*crinklehugs and licks*
^_^

another week gone by…

And still, everything is about the same… actually, I forgot what I did throughout the entire week!!! Good thing I have my diary to look at (which I should start posting again… hmmm, wonder why i stopped that).

Life:
According to my diaries, my life has been horribly boring… well, not entirely, but most parts. I have done nothing much except for the guide and a few other crap. Gotten angry with my brother and other people, but thats pretty much it. I wrote many things in it right now but still not even beta version. It needs more… MUCH more… But yeah, everything else has been boring. Everything except the RPs, which are awesome, but they get a lil boring when you are very sleepy…
Umm… I have talked to Noggum (the furry from my city) via chat and it was awesome! He is cool with me being an infantilist… he asked if I ever wanted to wear a diaper one day, and I replied “only ONE day?” and gave him the explanation and link about infantilism. He’s cool with it and finds it interesting… and also, he goes to the school and career I want to go!!! He told me the career is nice and relaxed a bit, and that it’s tons of math and some programming, but everything is cool. That just cheered me up and now I want to learn java programming… which I kinda am ^^
And also, I told my cousin about me being an infantilist, babyfur and bi… and she’s also cool with it!!! I was very happy to have told her, I been wanting to for a long time, but I just felt too scared to do so since she is my family. But yeah, she thinks it’s normal and finds nothing wrong with it… damn it feels so nice for someone in my family to know and accept me ^_^

School:
I have talked to the psychologist and I kinda hated it. She basically made me think who I was and what I wanted. Well, I am that babyfur self, and what I want is to have a relaxing and somewhat happy life full of surprises and ups and downs!! As for a job, I don’t really see myself as a doctor at all, and I imagine myself being the manager of the systems in a company; making sure they work properly, fast and all work gets done. You know, just fixing them and being able to do many things in my computer… and to even strengthen my love and interest for computers, my brother is doing a sorta thesis about viruses, and he’s asking my opinion and it’s awesome!!! I love to think about viruses and anything computer related!!! But I guess the psychologist doesn’t see that in me…
Anyways… school has been the most boring since ever!! I have NO clue what they are talking in Histology, no interest in Anatomy, nothing about Biochemistry and seriously not giving a flying F about Demography!!! It has come to such extent that I don’t do my homework and I skip classes. I mean, look. If I have to learn everything at home, and my homework is what I have to present in class and I don’t do it, what’s the point in going to class? What’s the point in telling the teacher “I didn’t study” and skipping me? Seriously, it’s stupid.

And well, I guess that’s it… I’m actually a little worried about Yure cuz of his school stuff… I hope you are doing fine right now, and I still wish I could help you out more!!

*hugs*

This week…

has been like a roller coaster ride… so many ups and downs lately I think I might fall off the seat!!

School
Oh boy… it seems all I say about school is that it’s horrible, and well, it is, but what did I expect? The school systems sucks here!!! But it’s not like I can change that right???
So, this week at school, on Monday I got my pass to the test (with my aunt’s help), then I had to have a special meeting with my tutor on Tuesday; unfortunately, I couldn’t find him on the day he wanted me to see him… but I was fortunate to see him in the hallway on Wednesday and told him I wanted to switch careers. And guess what he said!!! Oh God, I hate this but… I have to go talk to the school’s PSYCHOLOGIST!!!… if there is one thing I dislike the most is talking to therapists and psychologists… they are boring to me. I already dealt with many therapists/psychologists in my past, but I guess it must be done for school reasons.
Anyways, I also met with the principal and he didn’t know I flunked Anatomy 1, and he said he’ll strangle me (jokingly)… the thing is, he knows me and my mother since we told him about my case (coming from the US etc.) and well, I’m just thinking: what will he say when I tell him I’m out of med school for good?… It’s not like it’ll affect anything, but just curious to know…

Life
I have been sorta “PMSing” lately… for some odd reason, I have been depressed and happy and depressed and angry and happy and so on… and well, I made a small little poem-like story in FA about it. I also did other things like an attempt of a self-RP and a therapy session in the style of Yure ^_^
But the biggest thing that has happened to me this week in my personal life is this… I have come to realize something that I would never have done without the help of my friends Brandon, Yure, and Ryan (a great babyfur friend I met in FA)…

I am not who you see. The person, or surrogate as I call it, you interact with all the time is just that; a body, a fake image, a human representation of myself. Who I TRULY am is a babyfur whose name is the name given to him as a human. All the feelings, the actions, the decisions, the character, everything about me, is actually done because of my babyfursona! You may think it’s stupid or crazy talk, but that is how I feel. That is how I am. And that is how I always want to be!! =P

And that’s true!!! I have seen that the only time I am truly happy is when I am letting my babyfur side out to play!!! In all of my RPs, it’s him that does all the talking, not me. I actually am SO happy when I am my little self inside… so I prefer to feel that I am just stuck in this body forever, and that I will always be a babyfur all my life as well!!! ^_^

Other stuff
The other day, I made an account in this site where it shows many registered furries around the globe… I found none near my home so I decided to make an account and put it there. And in that same day, I met this furry online who lives in the same city as I do!!! I couldn’t believe it at all!!! And well, he wants to meet me some day and I am nervous about that, but would be nice to meet another furry IRL.

And well, that’s my entire week… sorta. I am doing right now much better and not feeling depressed for now… and also, the following message is for all those AB/DLs or those with a diaper fetish:
I am in the process of making a sort of guide for help and advice on being an AB/DL… it ranges from understanding what/how/why it is, to wearing diapers, to getting diapers and such… I don’t know when I’ll finish, but just to give you a heads up… I already made a couple of texts where I talk about my experiences wearing diapers in public and shopping for them. So yeah, when it’s finished, I will upload it somewhere and let you all know about it.

=P

Well, the update isn’t surprising itself… but what happened this week WAS surprising… beyond my imagination really…

Last time I wrote, I was saying that my family was somewhat against my decision to leave med school, but something unexpected happen on the 2nd… something I would’ve never have really imagined myself since I pretty much know how people are… here is the background info to this:

My brother asked me if I wanted to go see the new movie The Avengers, and I said sure, why not… I didn’t care if I had to do homework or not. We told our mom that we were going out but never told her where, she said it was ok and we left, but midway in the movie, my mom DID find out (somehow) and she sent me a message saying if it was almost over. Once home, I expected an argument about the movies and she didn’t disappoint me… she was very pissed about the whole movie thing that she decided to cut the internet and sell the car. She later argued about me not studying and such, and how we didn’t care about her, etc…
Well, what struck me by surprise was what my brother did… HE DEFENDED MY CASE AND SUPPORTED ME IN LEAVING MED SCHOOL!!! yeah, speechless… he even said the following about me:

Maybe Juan doesn’t belong in med school but he might belong in systems! He has great math skills, which is the basics of the career so he is in great shape there. He also has tons of logic, so he’s able to see a problem and think ‘ok, it doesn’t work but why? because of this or this and why not…’ and he has helped me out too in some problems I had in school that were quite easy for him. He’s very skilled with computers and besides, being an engineer in that field is no small title, they make big bucks too!!!

I could NOT believe what he said… seriously, I just wanted to hug him and attack him with licks (as a furry tho not IRL)… he was the one that was against me leaving, but on that argument he defended his and my case about school. I also defended myself but that’s pretty obvious, and in the end, my mom cooled off and was more accepting of me leaving med school, tho she still prays to God that He be the one to decide (and I just wish He helps me leave med school and get into systems).

And yesterday I told at first 2 friends in school about me leaving, and they didn’t argue about it… but once home, I went to my Facebook account and wrote that I was going to leave med school, so my entire family finds out already (they’d find out sooner or later anyways)… and well, since I have many people as my friends and they are from my classes, they all saw it and I was just expecting so many “Juan, don’t give up… you can do it!!”.
However, I was wrong, and I received so many “Good luck Juan in your new career!!” and “Well, it was a pleasure knowing you, I hope that you do great in systems” and a “It takes courage to admit that you made the wrong choice, so kudos to you!!”… I only got like 2 or 3 people to say that I should stay, but the rest (like 20-something) are in agreement about me leaving med school. My cousin found out and she supports me full way, and my aunt, well, she is kinda against me, but I wrote to her my reasons (a few, not all)… and now I am expecting phone calls from the rest of the family. I just hope they lay off my mom and go towards me directly… so now I must face their judgement which I can pretty much handle.

As for me right now? Well, I’m bored doing some presentation for histology… quite boring but I must do it… though everything will be quick and most of it will be BSd from the book. Speaking of books, some people want them!!! So I can make a bit of money back from the books, which adds up to about $5,000 spent… so maybe I can get back $4,000 by selling them, and some of them look almost brand new since I never used them much, and so I can sell them almost like new, though I will probably take out a few bucks…

Other stuff… my tooth is aching, or is it my gum?? I have no clue, really… so I will go get that checked out today, as well as do some paperwork at the institute where I will go for systems… so nothing much going on now… my imagination is lacking a bit from all this business that I can’t seem to draw anything… need some inspiration… but other than that, everything is going great!!! I am happy for once this week!!! yay!!!

*crinklehugs and licks*

=P

–EDIT–

MY FAMILY IS SUPPORTIVE!!!
That was a huge surprise to me… I told my grandma about me quitting med school, expecting for her to get sad or cry or say something against it, but she reacted completely the opposite. She did get a little perplexed, but she said “Well, if you feel that med school isn’t yours, then go for what you think it’s best!”… and I think my aunt (who works at the university where I’ll be attending) will support me as well with anything I need there… my other aunt (who wrote to me on Facebook) is also supportive of my choice… and so is my cousin!!!

I am for once happy right now!!! I never felt so much support from so many people… first it was support from my best friends Brandon and Yure, then my dad, then brother and mother, then some friends at school, and now the rest of the family!!! It goes to show that we never know someone entirely, even if we know how he/she acts, we never know when they’ll do something unexpected… something we NEVER thought possible… and prove us wrong in the way we thought of them… (sounds like a letter to Princess Celestia)

*moar crinklehugs and licks*

=P

Define Irony…

People can be very ironic without them intending to be… here is an example which suits the definition of irony:

School friends ask me “did you study?” and (even tho that’s ironic by itself) I say “not really, I don’t understand Histology at all”. So they say this to me “oh come one Juan!!! Histology is the easiest!!!”
Now here comes the ironic part of it: if Histology is SOOOO easy as they say it is, then how come they failed the last test she gave us? How come they have to study for HOURS without end for the Histology test if it’s SOOOO easy???

You know, my definition of easy when it comes to school is “you clearly understand the subject taught with little to no doubts and there is no real need to memorize or study so much”. Wouldn’t you agree? I mean, I find math easy, that means that I can understand math and I do NOT need to study for hours for a test because when you understand something very clearly, there is NO need to do so!!! You already understand it, so why study it if you know it already?

Sure some practice helps, but ask yourselves this: do you study what 2+2 is? Maybe if you are learning basic math yes, but if you already know what the answer is (fish), how and why you get that answer, do you need to study it for hours if the teacher is going to put a test on it? Seems ironic to me that you’d call that easy and have to study it for hours… and I would’ve loved to say that to them, but I can’t because I don’t want start any fights or arguments (they can be quite sensitive).

*sigh*
The world we live in is weird…

=P