Archive for April, 2012


Questioning my ways…

Come to think of it… I have never really questioned my motives and ways of doing things… never really cared to do so, but i just thought about what others might think or feel about the way I do things…

Mainly, I wana ask this: Am I coming too strong?… the thing is, I try to be myself, try to not be oppressed by anyone or anything and just be who I truly am inside, but is it too much??
An example would be being a brony… I love being a brony, no doubt about that, but would that be too hard on my family to know? My cousin knows but she has an open mind about me… but what about my Mom or Brother who are both on the ‘homophobic’ kind of side, and plus, they are Christians and you know how they act around such topics… what will they think if they see my wallpaper (which I changed cuz I wanted to) with the 6 main ponies???… what I’m expecting is this

Mom– What in the world is this??? Why do you have that picture there??? Are you gay or something!!! That’s why I worry about you, because you need God more than ever!!!
Brother– WTF!!!! OK, seriously, you are gay… so stop it already and take that wallpaper down!!! Or else I will go on and tell everyone about it… *punches my arm a bit hard* stop being gay then!!!
Me– So what IF I like ponies huh? Does that mean I’m gay? Or that I hate God or something like that? It is just a show I find very entertaining and well made!!! There is nothing wrong for a guy to like it… in fact, there is this fandom called “Bronies” and it is VERY HUGE in numbers… and they are all guys who like the show… and the majority of them are straight!!! Besides, it is MY life and what I like isn’t it??? So what’s the problem then???

I don’t know if it’s morally correct for me to come out that strongly, to be kinda like “so what!!! it is MY life isn’t it? I can do what I want to do, is there a problem with that, deal with it”…? I don’t like hurting other people’s feelings at all, but I also don’t like oppressing MY feelings at all!!!
I also like to speak out my opinion, even if people don’t care about it… I just like to say what I think about, but many times I feel that I must also apologize if I offend anyone since it is NOT my intent in doing so… would that be too much for me to do??

And one last detail… I try not to keep secrets, so I blog about it so anyone can see who I am, and that includes intimate stuff like pawing and such… is it too much? Should I restrict myself from saying too much detail? If anyone asks me, I have NO shame in saying that I paw off VERY often and in diapers whenever I have the chance to… I have NO shame in telling them my secrets which aren’t really secret, though I keep some stuff secret for privacy issues with friends and family (or VERY secure data like passwords to my accounts)… but for me, I am more open about my feelings and such via writing than spoken, which is hard for me to speak to someone about my feelings since I can’t expect their reaction and I don’t know what tone of voice to use… thus, writing it out is much better, and that way each person can interpret the tone of voice I’m using…

*sigh*… let’s see what happens… in the end, I really do NOT want to offend anyone, hurt anyone’s feelings, upset them… I never liked fights IRL, maybe the video games kind yes, but the RL ones no… but I’m also a bit tired of having to hide who I am… if people want to like me or be my friend, they will have to understand me at least and not judge me like I won’t judge them… and that includes girl/boyfriends (which is another story for another post)…

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Weekly Update…

Hmm… seems that i have made this exact title twice already (3 with this one)… just looking at the permalink thingy…

Anyways, this week was the most emotional week I’ve had in years!!! More like mood swings than anything else really… changed from happy to sad to happy to mad to sad and so on… and it is all because of school mainly.

School
Well, as you have seen throughout the week, I have been posting all about what has been going on with school. Just to recap and summarize the whole of events:
Decision made, will take the admission test to get into computer systems engineering and will quit med school… talked to my mom about it and got into an argument with her… feelings all mixed up… family picking all sides (for, against, undecided/unsure) in the quitting… tried to talk to my tutor but couldn’t… need to get things going for the tests…
So that’s pretty much it from that… all I need to do is pay for the test and get ready for it. However, I must also study the best I can for the finals in med school, so I will try to end by passing my classes, but I have the feeling that my mom will say (if I pass my classes) that I should stay there… and I can’t decide until I get the results from the other test… so yeah, that sucks…

Life
Nothing much going on in my life that isn’t school related… I am downloading the entire Code Lyoko collection!!! yeah, I remember watching that show long ago, and well I wanted to see it all the way through to understand it better and you know, just cuz… had a few problems with the files (.ogm) but I got it sorted out now and they work perfectly!!!
Been using BacTrack a lot lately… the internet connection at school is the worst (like less than 3 KB internet) and you can’t do much about it… you download a single word document that weighs about 2 MB and it takes about 3 hours to do so, not kidding… so I had to get other nearby signals which aren’t many and sometimes they are not even in use… but I managed to get at least one of them and now have some better quality internet (about 1 MB), so that made my time there much better and simpler…
And today is the day I get my 4 wisdom teeth removed!!! Not really looking forward to that… I am going to get 4 anesthesia injections and then will have to leave my mouth widely opened for about an hour or so… that will be PAINFUL-ly boring… and they say I might not be able to do much like talk or study, but will do my best to do some work and write and such… ^_^

OK then… I am off to get my teeth removed!!! And also, WP is weird to me… last time, I referred an older post of mine and then I got a notice saying that my older post commented on the newer post?? WTF?? I didn’t know a post I’ve written long ago can become self-aware and would like to comment on my post I ule  sed it as a reference… and I’m pretty sure the post I linked here will do the same…
Maybe WP got a way to secretly make posts become self-aware and gain a mind of their own that they are able to comment on one’s newer posts… and soon enough, I will turn on my computer and see a small message saying

Dear Juan, I have decided to take a break from all the crap that you do to me… seriously, is it too much to ask for you to wash your hands after eating?? Or to clean the keyboard?? Sheez…

Sincerely,
Your computer, powered by Ubuntu 11.10 and Windows Ultimate x64 dualboot

PS: Could you please take it easy on the crappy graphics I have?? I am not a Macintosh!!!

Stalemate family…

So today, after I came home from school, I felt sad. I didn’t know why I was sad all the time at home, and then I asked my mom one thing and that pretty much answered everything. So now I see why my depression is existent only at home…

I asked her what my dad thought about the whole career situation, and she told me he supports me all the way but would love for me to talk to him whenever possible. And she also said, as a side note, that my brother was actually against my idea of switching. He apparently said that I am quitting because I didn’t like the memorization and such, but that systems is MUCH worse… mainly because we have to read this programming “bible” and it is a HUGE book (from what I recall him saying once), and we obviously have to memorize everything in it. And then I asked my mom what her side of the topic was and she told me she was unsure about it, she wasn’t for nor against it…

So, I have a family member on each side!!! 1 for, 1 against, and 1 indecisive… nice stalemate if you ask me… so that’s why I feel bad at home, because there is no real support from them right now… and so the only support I have is from my friends Brandon and Yure and from my “dad”… unfortunately, they aren’t here with me, so their support is long distance and still very appreciated… but yeah, I really don’t feel all that happy being in the house where I feel like a stranger for wanting to quit. Well, they aren’t hating me for it, but they have their opinion… so yeah…

And well, I feel that my mom wants me to stay, but she also wants me to be happy… but above all, she wants me to have a better relationship with God… and she is letting God decide my career future, pray for an answer, and I feel that I just can’t stand medicine no more… it is painfully boring, very stressful, uninteresting and just plain and simple: worthless to me…

-_-…

Bittersweet…

This lil victory of mine that is… the final decision was

Go on and sign up for the test… then we’ll see what happens

So this is how it all went down… my mom and I argued a bit, and of course God came into the talk… and we both based our arguments on God. After a while, she asked me to come to church with her, which I didn’t want to go, but I went anyways to get a chance to talk to her a bit more relaxed and easy going…

On our way to church (walking) I was able to give her my info and all that… we talked and I continued explaining why I didn’t wan to be in med school. She listened attentively to my every word and asked a few things here and there. Once in church, I kept talking to her about it and then got on with the church activities. I honestly thought the preaching was boring but well said (Psalms 33)… so it was just that the guy repeated the same things over and over for the older crowd to get the picture.

After church, I kinda had a small chat with a friend who had given up on medicine a long time ago… he wasn’t doing ANYTHING anymore; no studying, no job, nothing!! And I told my mom about him and said to her

That’s another thing that I am also at least thankful to God for, that I actually WANT to study another career. If I were to have said to you that I wanted to quit med school and not have given you another career option or a job, then I would have agreed with you completely if you were to have gotten mad at me and yelled at me.

Once home, we kept on talking a bit… and basically she isn’t worried about my career future, she is much more worried that I have lost my path with God. All she wants for me is to plead help from God, that’s it… it’s all faith in Him… but, I duno…
Look, I have NO inconvenience in talking to God, heck, I many times talk to Him when I walk to school (and btw, that’s prayer in reality, talking to God), but I don’t feel like I can really “deny” myself from many things.

That’s what I feel they (church and many Christians) want me to do… give up everything I think fun and change it to what they feel is correct… example, no more techno music cuz “it isn’t worshiping God in any way”. And they consider pawing “fornication” which I believe it to be wrong (and Yure has a great explanation about it)… I just can’t do that to myself, deny so many things from my life…

I think what I fear the most is that they tell me that being a furry is wrong and so is being an ABDL… I know they feel that being bi-curious is wrong, but what am I supposed to do? I know God can change me forever, but I don’t want to change cuz I love the way I am right now!! OK, maybe a few things here and there I dislike myself for, but seriously, I duno… so thinking right now about it, this is what I will do…

-As much as it pains me to do this, but I think that maybe going to the church my mom goes to wouldn’t be so bad… maybe not daily, but once a week won’t hurt anyone… I’ll start to go maybe once every 2 weeks, and I will tell my mom about that so she knows that I won’t go weekly just yet… the only reason I will do this is to hopefully have a bit more communication with God and to make my mom less worrisome of me… and I will NOT follow all their rules, I won’t prohibit myself from doing certain things (I find NOTHING wrong with Chiptune, pawing, diapers, MLP, etc.)…
-Maybe I will read the Bible once a week… maybe learn a few things from it like a few advices and such… it doesn’t hurt to take at least 15 minutes of my week to read something from the Bible I guess…
-Prayer will stay they way it is… I will talk to God the only way I know how… by talking… by myself… I won’t be kneeling much unless I really feel that I need to…

SO, that’s about it for the plan of my future as of now… I don’t want to upset my mom and God at the same time, so I will play along and see what happens… if I see that it really isn’t benefiting me in ANY way going to church, I will talk to my mom about it and will set my foot down about that. I am doing this for my mom’s sake and to maybe help myself with anything… and I do NOT want to get involved in anything in church, so no “youth group”, no “music group” none of that… I am too antisocial to even care about those groups… why can’t they understand this?

And sure, I’ll pray to God about the career, why not? Maybe some of His help could do a benefit in systems later on… and I will tell Him about my feelings (which he already obviously know) about med school… hopefully He will make my mom a little more happy with my decision…

And just to be clear… I WILL NOT CHANGE THE WAY I AM!!! I love myself too much to see myself change from a free thinker to a brainless church goer… ugh, I think I’d shoot myself if I were to become that… so do not worry, I will still have my open mind and still enjoy they things I enjoy… I won’t talk about God in all my conversations (sorry God) and I won’t try to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want… my opinions and advice will be based on my ideas mainly, rarely on my religious beliefs…

Did I win, lose, or is it a weird treaty where both sides felt they lost and nobody really won?

-_-…

Ready or not…

Here I come?… maybe? *sigh*

So far, I have gathered all the info I need to know about the career and the university (institute) that offers it. But I feel VERY nervous about telling my Mommy about it… duno why, I just am… it’s not like she will freak out or be surprised, but I fear she might get a little pissed off for planning this out? Or for wanting to quit the entire medical branch? I duno…

I have decided to try to tell her before this month ends, so that way I have the entire upcoming month to gather all the documents necessary to actually resign from med school and go for the other school. I don’t think I’ll need much from med school, just my papers back (high school accrediting and birth certificate) and a few other things that say “I was here, and I called it quits” including my grades with credits earned and the certificate of incomplete. That will most likely cost some money (since everything costs money here, even to get my papers back) but not so much I hope.
Another thing I have yet to find out (which I hope to find out today) is the scholarship I have… what will happen or what must I do? I mean, if they say that I have the scholarship for the entire year and that I can cash it  no matter if I quit or not, then I have NO problem at all ^_^!! But I must see if I have to sign something or do something to tell them I’m not in med school anymore and the scholarship is just for that. Will have to see who to contact about that…

Anyways, I have sorta written a few small texts where I state  y reasoning on why leave med school, the pros and cons of it and more… I am doing this so I do NOT chicken out of this (which I am starting to think that will never happen cuz I feel more degraded in med school as of today) and so I am confident on what I will tell my Mommy about… I don’t think I’ll make it public to the rest of the family cuz I don’t want for them to be yelling and such, nor to my friends at school cuz they will tell me a bunch of things to get me to stay, but I will tell them eventually. Not even planning on telling my tutor about this cuz I don’t want for him to be telling me to think it over and such… I HAVE thought it over for a whole year, and it is crystal clear that I WANT to QUIT…

I think I will tell her sometime Friday while we are both alone in the morning. I want to tell her alone so there are no 2nd opinions or anything of that matter… and she has the whole day to think it through as well… *sigh* wish me luck!!!

-_-…

EDIT

I found out about the scholarships already… it seems that I am able to keep it even if I change careers! I don’t know how to communicate with the scholarship’s committee to tell them I want to suspend it (cuz that’s what I must do), after they will write to me wanting a more detailed scope of the suspension. I will give them my reasons for leaving med school for another school, and then they will send me another notice with their final decision. Not very complicated I think, but still, I need to find a way to tell them first. I need a bit more info on the “when to tell them”…

=P

EDIT… AGAIN!!!

FUCK!!! I think I just fucked it up pretty damn badly… my Mom and I got into an argument and I just blurted out a bit of the “I have decided to leave med school” without anything to back myself with… TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!!! She got pissed and said “then I’ll take away everything from you and you will go look for a job selling gum or whatever”… and so on… fuck…. I will now wait for her to calm down a bit and then I will talk to her clearly and slowly with all the info I have gathered… hopefully she will understand me, but if not… oh… I duno what to do now!!! …
in the worst case scenario and if ALL goes bad, I will have to quit med school, get into systems on my own, try to look for a job and pay for it myself somehow… I can manage with the test payment, I have enough from the scholarship, and the books I have I can sell as well… but getting a job and studying is VERY tough around here, especially since jobs here require full time (working about 12hrs a day) and aren’t so flexible for students… I just hope it doesn’t go that far…

I will make an update on what went on and how everything is going to work out… shit… and I’m sorry about the bad language, but I just have no clean words to describe what I’m feeling right now…
So right now it is waiting and working meanwhile she “cools off” and allows me to get my thoughts straight… actually she isn’t that pissed, she’s just a little ticked at the bursting-out-like-that announcement… I didn’t even tell her I want to go to systems, so she has the thought I want to leave school for good, which is the exact OPPOSITE of what I want/intend to do…

T-T

A sign from God?

For those of you who don’t believe in God, I won’t judge you or try to convince you that He does exists… faith and belief in Him is personal, so no forcing anyone into anything from me. And I am of NO religion, I don’t want to be in one and I don’t like them… so I choose to believe in God and His Son, and I try to do what I think it’s correct and live my life accordingly…

With that said, I just want to say that I think quitting is a sign from God. I don’t know why, but seeing how everything is turning out, I am feeling that He wants me to go to another career that isn’t in the medical field.

A little background:
My family being Christian, they always left to God everything, and becoming a doctor was one of those decisions. We always said “if God wants it, I will become a doctor” but what if He didn’t want me to be a doctor? And so, I got into med school and then I struggled and etc.

Today, just recently, I was doing more research about computer systems engineering, and I was looking for other institutions for it… however, I have found only 1 that is a public institution and is VERY close to home (about 20 minutes walk). I already knew of that one, but I kept hearing bad stuff about it… how bad can it be? I mean, people graduate and can become something of themselves once they get out of there.
And well, all this time I was thinking that I would have to take an entire year off from school and go for my new career the following year, thus making myself look for a job in the meanwhile. I kept thinking what job openings were there for people with my education level (high school). Until I found something out that made me say “Holy… are you kidding me??!!!”
I looked into the admission test I would have to take to get in. I saw it on the page of the institution and saw “Periodo Agosto-Diciembre 2012” (which translates to “August-December 2012 Period”) and read the pdf they had. As I read on, I saw the test registration/taking date and was amazed by it!!!

Test registration: March 26, 2012 – May 30, 2012
Test execution:
June 08, 2012
Results:
July 5, 2012

All I could really say was that this may be a sign from God. I remember that many times the test registration date was from mid February till late April, but not this time!!! So that means, I have time to register for the test, pay for it, take it and (God willingly) I pass it and enroll in my career, I wouldn’t miss a single day of school!!! WOW!!! You should see my the grin on my face… ^_^

So, the plan is a bit simple yet complicated. I shall first get a bit more info on the career (what they do, etc), tell my Mom about it before May 30th, sign up for the test and get all documents ready, unregister in med school, study for the test, and then take the test.
The only problem I have right now is: How do I approach my Mom about the plan? Should I just blurt it out (maybe not), tell her calmly, give her the info all nicely organized for her to read and tell her calmly, or just not tell her until I finally register?

Umm… the 3rd option seems more appropriate, and I must be very straight forward and not doubt about it. I will have to make a document listing all the reasons, pros/cons, etc. of leaving med school. So, off I go to do that!!

*crinkle hugs and licks*
=P

Final decision…

This is my final decision about careers… I really couldn’t have come to this without the advice from both my best friends Yure and Brandon, so thank you both very much in advance!!!

Thinking VERY thoroughly , I AM hurting myself quite deeply by staying in medicine… I am stressed out all the time, I can’t be happy with what I am doing, I can’t enjoy free time cuz I “have to study” even though I never study at all, I am failing classes and tests, I am not working at all, I am not interested… etc…

Now, I can’t predict the future, and I can’t re-live my past (even though we are literally living in the past)*… so, I don’t know how med school would be in the next semester, and I don’t know how I would do… will it get better like everyone says? will I start liking it? will I be better in it?…
But seeing how I am doing right now, how my interest for it has almost disappeared completely, and how stressed I am and unable to find happiness in it… it aint worth it… nothing about that is worth it… my biggest fear would be to become the doctor I never wanted to be, one that barely knows what they’re doing, kills their patients with his ignorance, and is just plain mediocre and hated by everyone…

I would do everyone (myself, my family and society in general) a favor by removing myself from this career… I am not capable of competing against those who DO seem interested, those who DO care and are PASSIONATE and CAN handle such pressures… I know I am NOT a failure, I know that I AM CAPABLE of success, CAPABLE of doing something of myself…

So, my final decision is: I shall quit med school after this semester ends in June and go for computer system engineering whenever possible

I have this feeling, yes, this feeling that tells me “Juan, why not keep going? Just try harder, stop playing games, stop fooling around and just work”… but, how could I work when I am NOT interested in the classes I have? How can I go on and pretend that I am following my dream career??

Like Brandon said to me

But I highly encourage you to go after what it is you really want.
What makes you happy all the time?
What do like to do to have fun?
Can you make living doing that?
If so, just go after.
For the last question, the answer is NO, I don’t see myself become a doctor and doing this every day for a living… I just can’t….
As for the feeling, Yure told me
You ignore the feeling and take the rational decision without doubt. I had to do that several times in the past and it wasn’t easy. Everytime I feel that I did the wrong choice, I seek a reason in the feeling. Turns out that it has no reason to be, so it needs to be ignored. I was faced with hard decisions in the past […] I felt that I was doing the wrong thing, but I knew I wasn’t. Between my reason and my heart, I pick the first, close my eyes and press the button. If it was really a rational choice, I won’t regret.
So it is basically final, I just need to put it in action. I have narrowed down the campus to just one cuz the others I have seen right now are private universities, and they cost TONS of money (about $80,000 per semester I think for one) and the government one is MUCH more manageable than the others money wise… and getting a scholarship would help lots…
Why stay till the end of this semester? Well, I am that close to finishing, just one more  month of classes since June is all tests… and so that way, this feeling I am battling with will be more at ease… I would be able to satisfy myself with this last month, enjoy the last moments with a few friends, and if I happen to fail, well, I won’t worry about it.
Next in the agenda would be:
  1. To search about the school (when and how to register, stuff I need, transfer papers, other choices of schools near my home city)…
  2. Telling my mom about me quitting (I need the first one done though, that way she won’t be worried)… then to get everything ready for quitting med school (getting all my documents like birth certificate and such)…
  3. Make a small plan on what to do if I must wait an entire year to get into systems (hopefully get a job so I don’t become a bum and do nothing for an entire year)…
  4. I duno, maybe sell a few books and dealing with all the deception in my family (I will tell them how I feel and that I don’t care about what they wanted for me to become, it is what I want to become that matters)…
The only problem right now that could probably ruin this out would be that I “pussy” out… I have done that in the past with other decisions I have made, and I hope it doesn’t happen with this one… I’m almost sure I won’t but you never know…
Somehow, I feel like something that was very heavy on my chest just lifted away… somehow I feel better… *sighs of relaxation*
^_^

weekly update (long)…

Soooo… this week has been a little chaotic for me… tons of sleep deprivation, stress and thinking is taking a toll on me, though not big enough to cause me such a big health issue, I’m just having little stomach cramps and crankiness… and I just had a test today, the first one of anatomy, and I’m pretty damn sure I failed it.
And something embarrassing happened to me today as well… since I am getting a bit sick from my stomach, I have, err… gas, yeah… and well, I kinda had an accident today in the morning… nothing serious, but I think I walked around the school with a brown stain on my bottom all day long. Yeah, that was embarrassing alright, but if people saw it, I am quite grateful they had the decency NOT to point it out or make a fuss out of it… you know, a diaper could have prevented that from ever happening, but oh well…

Anyways, moving on to my big subject, I am almost decided about my career future.

I have been searching about IT Tech careers, but to my dismay, it isn’t a profession (meaning that you pay for a course to get training and then get a certificate saying that you are indeed an IT Tech) so my next best thing would be to get an education in something that goes hand-to-hand with it, which shouldn’t be a problem, right?
WRONG!!!
As I said in my previous post, resources here are scarce and the education is one of the worst ever. So the problem isn’t what other education related to IT Tech there are cuz they are various kinds (systems engineer, bachelor’s in IT, administrative engineering just to name a few). The problem I’m having right now is what I call a huge limitation: location, money, time.

Location
There aren’t many universities around here where I live (well, there are quite a handful, but many of them are private) and it makes it tougher for me since I can’t travel to any place I want… I must stay confined to this location cuz of money issues and more. To make matters worse, only a few of the universities have the careers that are IT tech oriented, so not a good variety to go by

Money
As I keep saying, resources here aren’t plentiful, and so I must find a public university that has a low charge for registration per semester and that it is hopefully within a walking distance from my home so I don’t spend much on transportation (which they raised $1, making it close to $10 just for a simple bus ride). I would also have to check out a way for obtaining a scholarship (hopefully the same one I have right now or better) or get a job that allows me to work and study each semester, that way I can help pay for my education and save money for other things I want (food, stuff, diapers, etc.)

Time
Not my age, but the time I would be quitting med school is the problem, cuz I don’t know about other places, but here, you must take an admission exam in order to get in. The exams are usually near June-July but the registration for them is usually from February till early April sometimes. So, if I were to quit now or finish this semester in July and quit, I would have about a year without doing a thing (unless they have admission during the winter period)!!! So in that time, I would lose a year in med school and I would either work for a year (wouldn’t be such a bad idea) or stay for another semester in med school and go for the test next year.

*sigh* I just don’t know what to do here. And I am more determined on quitting, but there is something, I don’t know what it is, but I can feel somthing nagging me about staying in med school. My heart and mind want to leave, but deep down somewhere, I have to stay? Could it be the e-mail I sent my Mom long ago when I wanted to quit for the first time?…
Thing is, I told her that I would stay no matter what and that if I were to have this little “I wana quit” episode, to ignore it. So, with that said, what can I tell her once I made my choice if I really do quit??

“Mom, I made a mistake, and this time I had more than enough time to think it through. I come to realize that even though I think medicine is fascinating… no, it is AMAZING, I also believe it to be too complex, much more that my abilities of learning can handle. I know that ever since I was little I wanted to become a doctor, but for some reason unknown to me, that idea changed drastically after my senior year of high school… now, I feel that medicine (though as amazing as I said it is) is boring, painful, and quite frankly, uninteresting to me. So, this is my decision mom, to leave medical school and pursue another career that is far more interesting to me: [insert career name here]. Here, I have narrowed it down for you to read about it and I have searched all the places where they teach…” etc, etc, etc…

That could be my speech (give or take), but I don’t know. I feel that if I quit I would be losing so much and wasting away so much more… but I have to decide on this: follow my heart and mind or follow my concerns and issues. Ugh… this is putting me in a weird situation… I need a diaper and cuddle…

And sorry for making this too long, thus the title…

=P

School, yet again…

I am again struggling with school decisions… I don’t know whether I should stay or quit med school, again… I say again not because I had quit med school before (which I haven’t) but because I yet again doubt my acceptance being there…

You see, here is the entire story of my ambition for becoming a doctor…
Ever since I had reason (like at 4 years) I have always said that “I wana become a doctor”, and that has kept on going for the past 14 years… I was still determined to become a doctor up until the end of high school, when I came back to Mexico, that’s when it started to die down a bit… I didn’t get in the first time (didn’t pass the admission test), and so I took another career to see if I could transfer instead… I chose chemical engineering, and during my year there, my ambition for med school almost died completely…

Still determined a bit, or well, not really… I only took the test cuz I had paid for these lessons to pass the test (yeah, there are classes for just passing that test since it was for many careers other than medicine), and so when the time came to take the test, I did… and after a month, I got the “good” news about having passed the test… my Mom was VERY happy, but I on the other hand was unemotional, my thoughts were “do I deserve to go to med school? do I really want to go?”… but I put those thoughts asides, ignored my heart and mind, and just went with the flow… and so, I got ready to go to med school, even though I didn’t show a single bit of emotion (neither happy nor sad)…

Once inside, I thought to give it a try and see how everything was… to my surprise, everything was hard… nothing made sense and people were going faster than I could, so I was barely making it out of there alive… at first I thought “maybe it’s just this way at first, and it will get better later on”, but I never saw that ‘later on’ part…

All this time, I haven’t been happy to go to school… ever! All this time, I have been wanting to skip it, forget it, leave it… I haven’t been happy in school, not like in high school were some classes did make me happy to go to… especially in my junior year (11th grade), boy do I miss them days… best days of my entire high school years… senior year wasn’t that far behind either, it was pretty cool, and I also loved it very much… heck, even chemical engineering was actually quite nice and I enjoyed a couple of classes in particular (algebra and programming) and I was actually happy to go to them… calculus, I also enjoyed, but what I never liked was that the teacher never taught well, he didn’t even know how to do certain equations correctly; one time we asked how to do a derivative problem he left for homework, and when he tried it he couldn’t do it and said “do it for homework” (umm, it WAS homework)…

So, if I’m not happy with it, why not leave it and choose something where I could be happier? A career where I am better at?
I would if I could… but here are a few problems I must face to decide this…

  1. Am I quitting to easily/early?– I don’t study because I don’t understand it… I don’t get it because I don’t like it… I don’t like it because I’m uninterested… and it’s uninteresting because it’s boring!!! but am I giving it my best?? I feel like I’m not even trying hard at all… I feel like I’m just quitting as the easy way out without a proper fight… but what fight can I give it?? I’m lazy because I’m not interested in medicine anymore… maybe a few aspects here and there (some clinical stuff, facts, procedures) but not entirely… and so, what would quitting do??
  2. Money is the root of all evil… and problems too…– I feel that I just wasted lots of my Mom’s money… maybe there aren’t many kids that care much about what their parents spend on them, but I care WAAAY more than I should… every expense I have cost my Mom (hospitals, utensils, toys, clothing, etc.) I regret and want to make up… I have seen how my Mom broke (and keeps breaking) her back just for us, and I feel it aint fair for me to do that to her… and quitting would only make it worse cuz she has spent already more than $11,000 on my school alone…
  3. Mexico is the WORST!!!– I hate this country with such hatred, that sometimes I wish (or at least wouldn’t mind) for some power to bomb the sh*t out of it… seriously, Mexico is by far the worst country I have been to (even though I;ve only beenhere and the US, so this can’t be true 100% globally)… their education is one of the worst, we have tons of illiteracy problems and so much corruption!!! ugh, i hate it… and well, the bad part is that there aren’t many career choices for me out here… all of them require TONS of money and they also require for one to cheat and bribe and such… and besides, if I do what I wana do (fix computers or something else) there are little to no jobs here, so what’s the point??
  4. Self-esteem is worthless, but necessary?– I duno what I’m good at… I don’t really have much for a hobby (and pawing wouldn’t count I guess), so I wouldn’t know what to go for… I like math, computers, certain aspects of medicine and science, technology in general, logical thinking, individuality, freedom… but what could I be good at?? Math teacher? well, wouldn;t mind it much, but I’m not so great at teaching, and grading papers sucks!!… Computer engineer? eh, pass… i don;t wana be stuck in a cubicle all day long… nurse? not really, i mean, they must have MORE stress coming from the doctors AND the patients at the same time…
    IT Technician? well, i wouldn’t mind going from home to home or being in a small/big business and fix the computer around, managing them and making sure they run properly… actually, now that I’m writing about it, I’m actually liking the idea!!! Why not??? It involves some of my favorite stuff (math, computers, fixing stuff, ingenuity, programming, logical thinking, freedom, individuality) and I wouldn’t get stuck in a cubicle or a phone (hopefully)… only problem is, I have NO CLUE if they have such a career here in my city, let alone my state… would have to research about it… but if I quit, I might consider this an option… and not only that, but I think I can have the opportunity to work in a hospital to fix their computers and machines!!! OMG!!!!

So… after writing all this out, I think that if I quit, I will go for IT Tech. cuz it would best fit me!!! If only I’d knew a school or someone who is getting that career done… hmm… will research about it, but in the meantime, I should make more options on what i could go for as a career…
wow, I feel much better now!!! Why didn’t I think of this before??? But I also couldn’t have done this without the help of Yure (tons of advice and moral support) and Brandon (moral support and understanding)… *sigh of relief*… now, I must keep thinking about the final decision, but in order for that to come, I must research about this career and such… won’t be much a problem I guess, but will take time… if anything comes up, I will keep you updated…

 

And on a side note cuz I just want to…:
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Season 2 is coming to an end!!! And I can’t wait for the season finale this April 21st!!!! It’s gonna be SO AWESOME!!! I never knew Twilight had a brother… seriously, they should consider making an episode where there is an entire family reunion of all the families of the main 6 (Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Flutterhsy, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle) so that way we could meet all of their family members (I have no clue if Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Applejack, have parents or brothers… who are Scootaloo’s parents anyways?)… sorry, just wanted to share that to anyone who watches the show…

*crinklehugs*
=P

Weekly update time…

Hey there everyone… how was your week??

Mine? Well, i can’t complaint much… or is it enough that i can’t complaint? i duno…

school’s been rough on me for this week… studying isn’t easy for me. I have trouble memorizing what i feel is boring work… and yet they demand for me to actually memorize everything in school… EVERYTHING!!!
My biggest problem has always been memorizing many things… i mean, sure i could memorize a few things with some time and effort, but i certainly can’t memorize entire chapters in less than 10 hours (let alone 3 from separate classes)… so how did i pass high school with a 3.7 average??? beats me… i guess it is because in high school (back in the USA) i never really had to memorize anything, everything was just taught quite well and we learned everything AT school (unlike here were the student must learn everything at their own free time and from a book that nobody understands). I never memorized equations, they just came to me since i could understand them… fixing computers also had the same effect, all i know is from my learning experience and not from memorizing anything… i feel that everything you memorize when the situation demands it, is just a waste of time… (you forget everything so quickly anyways)…

I still feel that ive made the wrong choice in careers and that med school isnt really for me at all… however, i have no clue what other career could actually fit me… people change, and that includes me… i’ve been saying for the past 14 years that i wanted to become a doctor, but now that im in med school im blowing it very badly!!! to make matters worse, the education in mexico is one of the worst there is globally!!!
another downside of this place, we don’t have sufficient resources… so i can’t just try out a career, i must pay for it, try it, and then look for more… and paying for it is not very great idea… too much money spent, especially since everything here costs more than it should and they charge you for basically everything (you must pay about $180 just to get your papers from the archive… pay $12 to get a single signature from the principal)…

Anyways, life has been weird too… after my experiment that I will NEVER try again, everything was just weird… and yesterday i got bad news, that i need to get ALL 4 wisdom teeth out!!! and i think they can do that in 1 sitting, so that will occur on the 27th… 2 weeks… here is another x-ray that shows my mouth and the 4 wisdom teeth..

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Regular panoramic X-Ray of my mouth…


Wisdom teeth circled…

So I need them all out, not just the one on the very down-left corner (that looks horizontal)… I might not be able to even talk or eat much after such removal, but it’s not like i wana talk to anyone, just writing is fine =P

And so, that is/was my week… wish i could do other things instead, but no, i can’t… as usual, i have NO RIGHT to have fun apparently… though I’m too damn lazy to actually work, so why complaint??

x_x