Archive for February, 2012


my definition: doing my work till much later and later having a panic attack cuz I didnt finish nor studied…

Don’t you hate it when you procrastinate? sucks when I do… sometimes it’s very painful work, but it has to be done or else its failure in school… but i think i found a way to get over that: just do it and bitching!!!
  No, seriously, it works for me!!! if i just do it without thinking, i get it kinda done… and the bitching is from my mom that keeps tellin me to do my work and keeps on “bitching” about me not doin work… so i am both motivated by the complaints and focused by not thinking. weird huh?


just found out a few things during my week…

  1. found out how awesome some keygen music really is (8-bit, synths, etc. ROCKS!!!)
  2. i think my family doesn’t mind me being a brony (or do they?) i just dont know, cuz all this time ive had the “Rainbow Salute” firefox persona and it shows Rainbow Dash on the top-right of the browser saluting, her cutiemark, a rainbow streak and a quote saying “Coolness increased 20%” (from Art of the Dress episode)… and well, i know they have seen it since they’ve used my computer some times when they wanted to see something quickly and i was on the internet…
  3. AIMP (a music player like WinAmp, iTunes, Banshee, etc.) finally updated!!! yeah, there was the 3.0 beta, but i still used the 2.x version and now its cooler with the 3.0 release… seems nicer
  4. Quicktime doesn’t use .srt subtitles… it just wont read them at all, so if i need subtitles for an MP4 movie, i will have to use VLC to play them… oh well….


School’s been boring lately… nothing very interesting going on at the moment, just painful studying of very technical medical stuff (anatomy, histology, biochemistry, demography)
during my time bored, i do nothing really… try to play games to kill time but it just won’t do the trick and my mind is too bored to draw out anything (tho im currently trying to draw a pic of how i felt in class the other day)…


found torrents to be very nice option when it comes to downloading big files… just recently obtained the Avatar series cuz i never finished them… yeah, avatar is great, and if i could bend an element it would be earth cuz later on i could proly bend metal and other earth-based materials…

ok… now its time to get back to working on the temporal bone… its just too much!!! (and dont worry, im takin my breaks too =P)


Dia Palindrome… and weekly update

So, I just realized that today is “Dia Palindrome” or palindrome day in Mexico… well, not sure, but I think it’s the metric system palindrome cuz we have this format: DD/MM/YYYY – HH:MM, so today is:

21/02/2012 – 12:21… which read backwards it reads the same (thus the palindrome)…

and well, weekly update… *sigh* i fet kinda down this whole week (eventho it’s only tuesday)
reason being was cuz ive done almost nothing productive during my break (had one from friday till wednesday) and i wanted to study and get ahead, but i just did little work and almost no studying… so i hate my lazyness, but couldnt live without it…

other than that, well, it’s been a nice week… nothing much to be said… nothing relatively new really… just bored, lazy, and trying to study… *facepaw*


Journal 3: October 5, 2011

@ 22:54

Mood: Sleepy and concerned, depressed
Status: Want to pee…
Listening: Thoughts in my head… cars passing by…
Thoughts: Depression, full bladder, have to get to work…
Daily Quote: “Ugghhh” (expressionism rocks!! Also onomatopoeia!!)

Dear diary… wait, shit!!
Anyawys, today wasn’t totaly bad at all you know… woke up early before my alarme went off (that’s unusual), though I felt sick from yesterday’s tummy thingy…
Had this awesome dream of having super powers and stuff, then playing games and what not while using powers to organize game…. quite fun!
Studied some anatomy… wait no, lets be honest… like I’d study shit!! Man I hate it that I can’t study at all!! Fuck, what will I do…
Getting back to the topic, I checked my FA/Face accounts (also Nivlek) and blah blah blah….
Left 4 shcool and yeah, listened to oldies this time!! Got to school @06:40ish and got a proyector and same room… went upstairs and opened the room…
-[The Anatomy teacher]- came late (as usual) and started class with some gossip about Shakira being pregnat and all (and I’m like WTF does this have to do with anatomy… but as long as he doesn’t call me, I’ts AAaaallll goooood =)
So anyways, -[a classmate]- said the Humerus and we got the rest for tomorrow… went to take the Biochemistry exam (which was quite easy BTW, but don’t be jinxing it!!)
Went to eat a couple of tortas (some Mexican sandwich) and while I was there, I listened to Christian music from a Similares pharmacy (weird is when you hears music like that form a locale)
Went back to shcool, talked about movies and old TV shows that we used to watch… oh wait BEFORE THAT!!!
I drew my very first Babyfur fursona!!! YAY!!! Was quite happy how it came out!!! It’s toatly me!! =P
So… waited for embrio and got told by -[a friend]- that -[the embryo teacher]- wasn’t coming, so we left… walked to get the green bus cuz the AU (a bus company name) wasn’t running regular streets, well we were closer to green ones actually =)
Once at home, got on the internet and checked FA/Face/Mail… scanned my babyfur and started a new SAI proyect for it… mom arrived and fixed lunch/supper and yeah…
Ate some picaditas (Mexican food) and then downloaded the fantastic voyage, then went to help brother take out sticker from car… came back home and turned off computer.
“Studied” (<– yeah right!!) and then was back on computer to do embrio work… uploaded babyfur and fursona test to FA….
I learned one sad news… Steve Jobs died today!! Yes, the cofounder of Apple Inc. died!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! Waaaaa *cryes like a little baby girly girl*
Anayways, uploaded babyfur to BFME and yeah… thats pretty much it…

Other not so important stuff (everything above counts too):

Steve Jobs died, so tragic…
Don’t remmeber wanking today, but haven;t checked yet…
Have to print out embrio crap!! Want to sleep in but can;t cuz of school tomorrow…

Good bye Steve Jobs, we’ll miss you lots!!

How I became me, part 3- Truth’s OUT!!

This could be the last part of my background info… so just a heads up, READ THE TITLE!! (What about it?) Umm… nothing, it’s just a nice title worthy of reading.

I left out a few details in part 2… and so I am going back to them. Remember when I talked about the awkward moment I had when I was about 5, in part 1? (Never read it…). Well, just to recap, I said I wore some of my cousin’s diapers and wet them for no reason. Well, those feelings came back much later at the age of 12, on the summer of 2004, before the court thingy with the guy.

I was alone most of the time during the weekdays of summer because my mom and dad were working, so I watched movies and played games and such. However, the feelings I mentioned had come back for no reason and well… I couldn’t resist making some makeshift diapers out of some white underwear, tons of cotton balls and toilet paper and some safety pins we had. My mom even brought me some videos from the public library to watch and these videos were for little kids like Winnie the Pooh, Sesame Street, etc. So that made me role-play during the day, turning down requests from my friends to go out and play, and pretend to be a baby again. I used some rags as bibs and even bought some baby food (apple sauce), but I never bought baby diapers then.

Again, those feelings went away with the whole court thing and then came back when I barely turned 13. The guy’s wife has a step-daughter with 2 kids, and one of them wore pull-ups training pants, and so I stayed over for a week with them. At night, while everyone was sleeping, I tried to use one of the pull-ups and pee in them, but they didn’t fit at all (couldn’t get them up to my waist anyways) and barely even wet them. I then threw it away discretely and never said a word about it. I tried it again another night and same results, only this time I hid it somewhere else since the coast wasn’t clear to throw them away properly, and they did find them but they never got suspicious or anything.
Well, I tried to man up to buy myself some diapers that fit, and so I made a plane to buy Goodnites ® protective underwear, but never put it into effect due to some unforeseen change of events.

Much later, when I was back with my mom, the feelings were still there and I was able to get my hands on a package of real baby diapers… Huggies® to be exact. (Why the ®?) better safe than sorry… Well, I enjoyed them so much, that I experienced my first ever jacking off / wanking / pawing off / etc. Basically it was the very first time I have ever masturbated. Felt weird and all (and it hurt like hell!) but I think I was more worried about why I was like this with diapers.

During that time, I researched all over the internet for a “reason” or “cure” for whatever I had. Not really sure what I was trying to look for, but I tried everything in the most discreet way I could. Then, came one day were I finally found my answer! Not quite clear what I searched (I think it was something like “my 13 year old son likes diapers” or something), but I was able to find it!!! What I had wasn’t a disorder and I surely wasn’t the only one, which was what I thought all along. Well, what I found out is that I was…

OK… here it comes… (*drum roll*)… no need for such drama…

I am an AB/DL… meaning Adult Baby / Diaper Lover. It is basically the desire of being a baby again and liking (or loving) to wear diapers. It is NOT pedophile in ANY way at all… I do NOT have any sexual interest in little kids in any way or form, so pedobear isn’t my idol. The actual term is called “Infantilism”, more on the subject, I have provided a link (the one I found) that explains what Infantilism really is: Understanding Infantilism.

Though I will say I’m more on the DL side than the AB side, mainly because I have a Diaper Fetish, but I don’t take the AB side out since I still love role-playing and also love other things like bibs, bottles, footed sleepers, blankets, etc.

If you ask “Why do you like all this?” well, I’m just as clueless as you are. I never really knew why I am an ABDL, but I just accept the fact that I am… it is a part of my, the way my personality is revolves around this, so I will not change it for anything at all.

However, I will say that in the beginning of this time, I was very uptight with religion and all, and I thought this was a sin. I tried quitting on diapers and masturbation, but I always tended to fail in some way. I never told my parents (and I still haven’t) or my friends or anyone, except for a reverend out of desperation (the whole sin thing). I kept going through this binge and purge cycle and it sucked!! I bought diapers, used them and quickly threw them away… and the cycle kept on going.

Years passed, and today I (with the help of an amazing furry friend- Yure) have come to accept myself the way I am. I am happy the way I am, act, feel, etc. And for the furry, I declared myself one on the summer of 2011 and I’ve never been happier with such a statement! I actually had liked furry art since I found out about infantilism, but just never really thought myself of being one until just last year.

And thus this ends the 3-part background story… now you will be able to understand much better the upcoming diaries that I’ll post…
and as always… ALL COMMENTS WELCOME!!!


UPDATE: i kinda forgot to mention this as well… I am also a brony… so there you have it!! I mainly like the animation, voice and classical humor… as well  as other things… so don’t judge it by the intro… watch at least 2 episodes to get the feeling for it ^_^

(Second part already?) yeah, but I just want to do this… so if you don’t mind…

Remember I said life got tough but we managed, it’s because of a few problems I had and such.

Well, first problem was our economical status. We didn’t have any money at all and my mom didn’t have a job yet. We lived with some relative for a small while and then she kicked us out, but the owner of the apartments we were in was very kind to let us live in her basement (which was modified to be small rooms as apartments). We stayed there and we met with someone who has changed our lives completely, I will call him Dad from now on cuz I love him as a father, and that’s the kind of love he gave me. My real dad will be addressed as “the guy” as we used to call him.

Anyways, we received help from some societies for families that are victims of domestic violence, and my mom later got a job. I went to school and was able to read, write and speak English in a year (not very perfectly, but it was quite alright).

Things were going nicely then, but then came the time my brother left us. (Did he…) No! He just left to Mexico! What is up with me and death? (I duno…) My brother had the choice to stay or leave, and he decided to leave, and that made me sad, but it was for the better of us both.

Well, after that, I kept going to school, made good grades and all. We moved a lot from place to place, trying to find the best location at the best price. I made friends and was quite happy with the ways things were going. Elementary passed quickly, and middle school wasn’t that bad either… until the time I went to 7th grade.

During that time, my mom had to go to family court because “the guy” was complaining about me. I had therapy sessions with him and I hated him for all the things he has done to my mom, but the family court thought I had to have more time with him. And one day came the worst day in my entire life so far!

It was a regular school day until I was called into the office. In there, I met with my mom and we left for the family court. Once there, I had to have a small therapy session with my mom and then with “the guy”, which I didn’t enjoy it not one bit. They then asked me the following: “Would you go home with your dad?” which I understood as “Would you mind if your dad takes you to YOUR house in his car?” and I said YES. That was the worst mistake I’ve done!! And so, they later told me “Juan, you are going to go home with your dad.” and that’s when I knew that they meant I was going to LIVE WITH HIM!!!
I immediately said I didn’t want to, but the order was already given and I was forced to go. I wanted to at least say good-bye to my mom and they said “She left already”… I knew that was bull shit, and I denied to go, but I was forced into the guy’s car and was driven out of there. I saw that my mom was actually with my Dad and I was yelling for her, but she couldn’t hear me nor did she see me. I cried all day long without stopping… the day was September 22, 2004.

A whole year passed and I had such experiences with me: I tried to run away but was caught, the guy had re-married and I had step-brothers (which weren’t his), I had supervised visits with my mom (the happiest time I will always cherish), and how the guy really was. In the end, near the end of October, I found out the entire truth behind the guy. I found out he never loved me at all, he just used me to get revenge against my mom and I was very pissed at that. We had a huge argument and then came an emergency court date because of this. On November 3, 2005, I was reunited with my mom once and for all and I read the paperwork, which stated that the guy didn’t want ANYTHING to do with me at all. No more lies from him I guess.

And that’s it for this part! I will mention that after the whole thing, I had to have therapy sessions, because I had anger issues against the guy, but in reality, I didn’t care about him anymore. And today, I don’t care much about him, if he’s alive or not, I don’t care. If he wants to talk to me, so be it but I don’t love him as a father, that’s all…

Any comments or anything is welcome!! If you want more detailed info on how I managed to go through this, or how my year with him was or how therapy was or anything, just ask and I’d be more than happy to answer!!


How I became me, part 1- Old History

This is a background story about myself, so the following will be true story, nothing made up.
Will try to just talk about important moments in my life… with some stupid comments along the way.
Enjoy and comment!!!

Born on a Wednesday, June 24th of 1992 with a heart problem- a murmur as some doctors called it. Couldn’t breathe easily, had tons of tachycardia (fast heartbeat) and didn’t gain weight or height during a whole year. At the age of nearly 2, I had an open heart surgery to fix this; the weirdest thing was that I can remember the night before (Christmas?) nooo…. before my surgery. I recall seeing myself on a bed-table thingy and having an echo-cardiogram. I actually asked my mom to let me see the screen, but I guess she couldn’t understand my baby language back then. Well, everything went great and I seemed much better after only 2 days (which most nurses say that kids with these surgeries take about 2 weeks to recover like I did)!!

Fast forward to around the age of 5, I had some very weird experiences that some would call paranormal. (Ooooh, ghosts!!!) Naah, just that the wind blew a very heavy mirror across the room and placed it right on the door, trapping me inside the room (seriously!).
    Also at the time, had some awkward experience involving diapers… for some reason unknown to me, I just decided to use some of my cousins diapers (just wet them) and then throw them away into the neighbor’s back yard. The only reason I got caught was because I forgot I hid some used diapers inside my grandma’s closet. I just wonder… my mom asked me if I wanted to be diapered to bed… what would have happened if I had said yes?

Traveling through time to when I was 9, I met my dad for the first time. It was a very amazing moment… and then it turned to the shittiest moment ever (like a stock market crash, if that makes any sense). It was the very first time I experienced “domestic violence” and the very first time I actually feared my dad! (Hooray?) I had such psychological trauma that I developed a “nervous weak bladder” (made that up), where I couldn’t hold much and would eventually pee my pants during school… thank God nobody ever saw that. Only my mom knew about that, and she was worried but never yelled at me for it since she knew what was causing this.

Didn’t get to live long with my dad, and were able to move on without him. (Did he die?) Un//Fortunately… no, we just moved away and got a restraining order and child support. Life got tough, but we managed.

And that is it for part 1 of this story. You’ll later see how I split this up into parts, and then you’ll know something I haven’t told anyone at all in real life (except for a reverend out of desperation)… so, keep on the look out for it!

All comments welcome, btw!!

(the @ ##:## is the time I wrote the entry at… it is in 24-hour scale)

Mood: Bored to hell…
Status: Hungry =P
Listening: Nothing ='(
Thoughts: Sleep, anger, depression
Daily Quote: “So what?” (expresion I’ll say if anyone finds out that I’m a Furry {baby/diaperfur to be exact}

Well, after I woke up today, I wanted to turn on my computer but my mother woke up pretty damn fast, so I hesitated (bad choice). So after a shower, I finally turned on my laptop and guess what? The freaking CHKDSK was running (I had it scheduled yesterday for next start up), so that took like forever!!! Honestly, it did take about 2 hours, which were quite boring and stupid since I had nothing to do…

For those of you who don’t know it, CHKDSK is a Windows tool for error-checking a Hard Disk Dirve or HDD.

Well 2 hrs later and I finally left for school (a bit late to be early @6:35), thank God my class started at 8, but anyways… during the ride there, my earphones started to F-up because of the cable that it has, but I kind of managed… It really wasn’t my day you know…

Anyways, I got to school @7:20 and went to get a projector and the Acisclo for -[my teacher]- and anatomy, but the key for Acisclo wasn’t there!!! They didn’t give it back to -[the secretary]- on Friday, so we went to the classroom instead (where -[my anatomy teacher]- was a bit confused about but whatever).

Once at the class, I put the things ready and waited for -[the teacher]-, he didn’t take long to arrive, and he brought bad news for us… our grades for the exam. He got -[a student]- to call out the list while he said the person’s grade. I was called and he said “2.5” and kept going (which is based on a scale of 1 to 10, with 6+ being a passing grade). Then a few minutes later, he called me again and I said “What again? How’s that so?” He looked back at the tests and saw he read my name on the paper I had graded for -[another student]-, so SHE got a 2.5 and I got a measly 1.5 (I already knew I failed, so what was the point)?

Well, after the grading, I set up the computer and projector #15 and started to put everything together when -[the teacher]- told us a story about some student who passed med school just because she belonged in the Animal Humane Society as did the Dr. that allowed her to pass (she was quite… errr….. stupid? Well, not stupid but she DID NOT know a thing!!). Then he was all about “What would you guys do if you failed med school?” and was on to another story about how the factories from the region of Mendoza-Orizaba (Mendoza being the city where the school is at and Orizaba being my home city) failed, and thousands of workers got laid off and what not, and how they got the jobs and how it was a privilege to be studying and yadda, yadda, yadda…

So, after a long 1hr:30min class, I was putting the projector away and well -[a friend]- wanted to use it and told him to come with me and talk to -[the secretary]-. She asked me about projector #3 (which I changed on friday for #15) because someone dropped it and it doesn’t work no more, but she trusts me and believed me (cuz I was telling the truth anyways)

So anyways, -[he]- didn’t get the projector, it was given to someone else and -[the biochemistry teacher]- let us go becuase of our test tomorrow… so there I went to get some copies of some book first (for anatomy next day) and then took the 1st bus back home…

Once home, I changed clothes and made a post on Facebook and a poll too, saying what would we do if we failed med school. I then went on to checking everything else (FA BF.ME e-mails etc.) and left to buy some blank CDs… I met my mom on my way there and talked a little, then was on my way. I got a nice Leg-Sandwich (just a sandwhich with meat) on my way to buy 5 CDs (and I forgot to buy the paper sleeves) and also bought 3 Macarrones (Mexican treat) and went back home. I ate 1 on the way there and then ate the rest back at home (yeah I is sefish!!). Saw Facebook and saw this huge comment “on quiting because we don’t want idiots here, we want people who study only” and stuff, I immediately wrote back and it all worked fine…

Then, I worked on my last paper for bioquemistry (my own topic BTW), then ate some food and got back to work. Finished the job, burnt it (to a CD that is), then I drawed abit more on my folder… then scanned the paper image, saw what file types were for images (I’m choosing TIFF or RAW from now on) and yeah, then I turned off my computer…

I studyed as hard as I could anatomy (copies) and embryology (book), and got almost nowhere on anatomy… so yeah, that sucks!! Now I’m here writing about this…

Oh, I also found the song I was looking for all these years (Vuelve- Diego Verdaguer) and was so happy to put it on my ipod… well, thats pretty much it…

And this looks more like a freaking diary!!! Not a journal!!! =P

Other not so important stuff (everything above counts too):

I think I have decided to be a crossbreed between a fox and a wolf (fox’s tail/colors? and wolf’s body/colors?)
(for those of you who don’t know it yet… I am a furry, well babyfur…)
I cried when I heard “Vuelve”… so sad!!!
Never found my Y-Splitter ='(… still tired…

End of message…

So… I was requested by a great friend of mine to write my “Diaries” here, and I’m like: sure, why not?

I think only a handful of people that know about my blog know who I really am in real life. And besides, I honestly don’t mind if anyone knows me or not, if they think I’m crazy or whatever for telling people how my life is, how I am and what is going on with me. Heck, I don’t mind if anyone knows some secrets of mine, which aren’t many.

So I have decided to write my journals here… well…fine… they are diaries and decided to call them journals for no reason (lol)… However, I will modify the following to them:

  1. Omit certain info- like some names and very specific details for privacy issues… I don’t want anyone to come at me and yell that I have no right to use their names. So I will need their full approval to add their names in.
  2. Censorship- I do not want to be banned from Blogger or Google entirely, so I prefer censoring certain things like explicit events (you know what I’m talking about), bad language, etc. I will try to make it “kid safe”, even though this is NOT intended for kids to read, but just in case they find this…
  3. Extra “Author’s” comments- These will be useful to clarify certain events or anything else really.  They will be in italics and underlined so no confusion is made between the journal and the extra comment itself.

So, without further ado (<– spell checker and yahoo answers rock!), I will post the very first journal… I think it might look boring, long and painful to read, but just remember this, I aint forcing you to read it.

And one last note before I forget… ALL COMMENTS WELCOME!!! If you have something to say… anything, just write it down as a reply. I don’t mind if you insult, praise, question, or motivate me or anything!!! Just tell me what’s on your mind, and I’m happy with this.

I will just request you one thing: DO NOT INSULT OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMENTED!!! One thing is to insult me (which I can take and tolerate) but another thing is to insult other people who have freely spoken their mind. So please respect each other’s comments and refrain from starting a fire of hatred.